It'll Be Okay

Is this week over yet? No?

It's been a tough one, that's for sure. It probably has to do with not having to set an alarm for over two weeks. Or maybe it was the full moon. Perhaps is was the students all hopped up on Christmas break and presents and cookies (oh, the cookies). Any day after a long vacation is like herding cats, in my opinion. I've never actually herded cats, but they're just like children, right? 

Anywho, it's been a day. A day from a place. A place that rhymes with smell, if you catch my drift. (You do, I know it.) Lucky for me, I'm not the only one who had the day-from-a-place-that-rhymes-with-smell. How do I know, you ask? I can see it on their faces, it's like looking into a mirror. 

It's comforting, though, really. It's good to know that we aren't the only ones who have bad days. Not all days are bad, but they aren't all good either. Children aren't perfect, the world isn't perfect, you are not perfect (no matter how hard we try or want to be). 

So, it'll be okay. Will it be great? Eh. Is it going to be awesome? Probably not. Will you make it through? I'm sure it doesn't always feel like it. 

You will, though. 

You've got friends to help you get through it. People to empathize with you and give you advice. Advice is my favorite thing. It used to be (a long time ago) that I didn't take advice very well. Now, I thrive on it. And if people come to me for advice? I'm flailing on the inside, but trying to act cool, okay? 

There are other thing to keep you going, too. Your job doesn't define you. You define you. I wasn't very nice a couple of times today, but that doesn't mean that I don't love those little stinkers  kids a lot! 

Each and every day I try to focus on something positive that happened, even if it doesn't always happen with my job. Maybe traffic wasn't too bad, or something was on sale on Target. Maybe I got a free drink at Starbucks, or my cat didn't vomit while I was at work. 

Or maybe...maybe it's just the fact that you woke. You got out of bed. You went to a job where you are appreciated. Maybe you made a difference even though you didn't know it. Maybe one day down the road some kid is going to remember something you said, and that kid ends up changing the world. 

Who really knows? 

Or maybe...maybe your good thing is that you get to home with those you love. You get to do something you enjoy. Maybe it's because Friday is just around the corner. 

Whatever your little thing is, I hope it makes you smile after a shitty day. 

My little thing is that I don't have to work Friday. (Sorry, suckas.)

Peace. 

Top Fourteen (or more) of 2014

Okay, so. I read a lot. I buy a lot of books, I forget I have them, I go to the library, I subscribe to free book newsletters...look, I really love books. This year my Reading Challenge on Goodread was to read one hundred books. I challenged myself to that same number before but didn't make it, so I wasn't very hopeful that I'd make it this year.

I've read one hundred and fifty-four books.

Yeah, I read a lot.

In celebration of the end of 2014 I've decided to dedicate this post to my fourteen favorite books of the year. These books are in no particular order except in the order of which I read them.

Graffiti Moon 

Cath Crowley

This book is told in the alternating points of view (POV) Ed and Lucy. Lucy is in love with Shadow, a graffiti artist she's never met and Ed spends his time admiring Lucy from afar. This book is full of fun and crazy teenage antics. Oh, and of course a precious romance and the "WHEN WILL SHE FIGURE IT OUT" thing. Totally cute and worth it. Also by Cath Crowley: A Little Wanting Song. 

Me Before You

Jojo Moyes

I pride myself on not being really super-duper emotional, (it's a control thing, I'm working on it), but this book seriously killed me. I remember melting into the couch after I finished it because I was so emotionally spent. (All your fault, Steph.) It's such a crazy journey with Louisa and Will: to watch how Louisa brings Will back to the land of the living and how he, in turn, makes her crazy and allows her to be herself, no matter what. Jojo knows how to pull just the right strings to leave you face down on the sofa. If you give this one a try, give me a call. I'll hold your hand. 

Anna and the French Kiss

Stephanie Perkins

I just want to pinch this book's cheeks, it's so damn cute. Anna is an American teenager at a French high school in Paris, the city of love. She becomes fast friends with a crazy group of kids that include St. Clair (or Etienne) and the rest is history. Okay, not really, but I don't want to spoil it for you! This book is totally full of cuteness and Etienne (probably my favorite book boy of the year, even though my sister hates him). Guaranteed to make you smile. Also try: Lola and the Boy Next Door and Isla and the Happily Ever After.

The Distance Between Us

Kasie West

Again, the cuteness is off the charts here. (You'll find that's a pattern in some of the books I read.) Caymen (really) works at a family owned creepy doll store selling creepy dolls to old ladies when enters Xander. The only problem is Caymen's mom, who doesn't like "people with money" and had a REALLY BIG SECRET. Xander is basically perfect and doesn't care if he and Caymen are different and swoons ensue. 

The Giver

Lois Lowry

I never read this as a kid so I took a few days this summer and read the whole series. I've read many dystopian novels and I feel like this is probably the most tame of them all. The people live in sameness, have no feelings, no sense of...anything. When Jonas becomes The Receiver he begins to learn about the past as well as things that are happening around him that he doesn't approve of. The movie version has Jonas as a sixteen year old, but in the book he is twelve, so it's really interesting to see that a young person like him can tell the difference between right and wrong and want to do something about it. The follow ups are a little lacking, but everything ties up nicely in the end. 

Sharp Objects

Gillian Flynn

Gillian Flynn's mind terrifies me. Meaning: I'd really like to be inside of it, just for a day. Most people know about her because of Gone Girl but, in my opinion, this book is the most messed up of what she's has out. Camille ends up back in her hometown to do a story on two murders and uncovers some really, really creepy stuff. Also, she's got serious issues with drugs and self-harm and still manages to be the only normal character in this book. 

The Thousand Dollar Tan Line

Rob Thomas

A Veronica Mars book?! YES, PLEASE. Mystery! Murder! Snark! Long lost mothers! (Needs more Logan Echolls, that's all.)

Wonder

RJ Palacio

I spent a lot of this summer on middle-grade books, but Wonder was by far the best of them. In the story Auggie is headed to a real school for the first time in his life. He's going into fifth grade and his whole family is freaking out. The summary of the book is that Auggie is an "ordinary kid with an extraordinary face", but Auggie's face is really what the problem is. Some of the students are asked to show Auggie around but once school starts, they seem to scatter. This is a great story about bullying and being yourself no matter what you look like. I think adults could learn a lesson from this book just as much as kids can. 

To Kill a Mockingbird

Harper Lee

2014 was kind of the year of the classics for me. This was a reread from high school, and I really feel like some things are better read when you're older. The language takes some getting used to, but it's also like you have to step back in time to fully accept what this book is. It's a great example of what racism can do to a town, how children are more brave than we realize, and how we should never judge a book by its cover. This book goes on my Top List for Life, to be honest. 

We Were Liars

E. Lockhart

So, I went into this book thinking it was a cute little Young Adult story about rich kids causing trouble on their own island. I was thinking shenanigans and eye-rolling would happen. That is most definitely not what happened with this book. This book is laced with loss, illness, and regret. The kicker? You obviously have to wait until the end to figure it all out! 

I am the Messenger

Markus Zusak

Ed's a slacker and doesn't really care about improving his life. His mom hates him because he's just like his dad, his best friend Aubrey doesn't give him the time of day, and he drives cab for a living. One day he gets a strange package of cards with clues on them that change his life. I love Zusak's words (hello, The Book Thief, anyone?) and this story is great for character development and making something out of your life when no one though you would. 

Love in the Present Tense

Catherine Ryan Hyde

Bachelor Mitch gets stuck with five-year-old Leonard after his mom runs off and is never heard from again. I love the dynamic Mitch and Leonard's relationship, even though we don't get a lot of early glances. Eventually Leonard is adopted into a family that still allow Mitch to see him, but Leonard (a child prodigy) wants nothing more than to find his mother who has been missing for over ten years. Mitch, of course, does everything in his power to help Leonard and, of course, uncovers some pretty dark secrets while he's at it. 

Tell the Wolves I'm Home

Carol Rifka Brunt

This book is told from the POV of fourteen-year-old June who loses her uncle to AIDS. They never say what exactly the illness is, but you can inference enough to figure it out. June is devastated, her uncle was her best friend, so when she spies a stranger as his funeral she does what she can to figure out who he is. This is an excellent depiction of the way people deal with loss, grow friendships, and learn forgiveness. There's also some funny business with a famous painting, but you'll have to read to find out. 

My Life Next Door 

Huntley Fitzpatrick

I L-O-V-E forbidden love and swoony boys. That is this story. Jase's family is wild and multiplying while Samantha's mother is a politician and very snooty. Naturally, they fall in love, but Samantha can't bring herself to tell her mother about her new guy. It isn't until something tragic happens and everything seems to implode around her, that she faces the truth. And, like I said, swoony boys. 

This Sky

Autumn Doughton

Okay, this is a bonus one because I couldn't leave this author off my list. There's something about broken people making the most of their flaws that get me. Gemma is coming out of a very bad, very public break up and Landon, he's got some skeletons in his closet too. Really, though, what I love about books like this is character development. I love to see how they change from the beginning to the end and how they help each other to become a better version of themselves. Also by Autumn (a Florida native!): In this Moment and I'll Be Here - guaranteed to make you stay up past your bedtime. 

Wow. That was really hard to narrow down. I could have added plenty more to this list but I felt like fourteen, okay fifteen, would do for now. Books are great fun, even when they're super depressing and leave you face-down on the sofa waiting for the ending to change. I hope you pick up some in the new year, and then share them with me because I'm never done reading. If you want to check out other books click on the Goodreads box on the right, or just click here. 

Happy reading!

They're Just Kids

I love my job. It's a good job and, like I've said a bajillion times before, it's a hard job. I know there are jobs more difficult and I know there are jobs more rewarding. I know that know matter what you do, you always have a chance to make and impact in someone else's life. I get all of that and I never want to degrade what anyone else does, this is just how I feel about my job.

Kids are important. Kids are the future. As teachers we literally see the future every single day. Let me tell you, folks, it's scary. Okay, that might be going a little overboard, but it's hard to be serious when, in a classroom of second graders, someone farts and it takes ten minutes to get everyone back under control. (This happens more than once a week, okay.)

Bodily functions aside, there are so many other things I sometimes forget about kids. Sometimes I think we are so focused on what we need them to do and what our expectations are, that I think we forget they're just kids.

But really, it's not the fact that they're just kids that bothering me these days. I know that kids are loud and impulsive. I know they need to express their feelings in weird ways and can't always control their emotions. Kids are my business, even though I don't have any of my own. In my eight (short) years of teaching I've seen a lot. I've seen kids of all different, shapes, sizes, and colors. I've had students from broken homes, perfect homes, and no homes at all. There's kids with mental and emotional problems that I can't even begin to comprehend.

That's what is killing me right now. The fact that these kids are dealing with things that we don't even know about. I've been really frustrated with my students this week (okay, this year) and I think that this is my main problem. I focus so much on what's happening in my classroom: how they are behaving, what they are doing or not doing, how they are interacting with others. When my focus is on all of those things, I lose sight of what's really important: the kid.

The need to reprimand a behavior is a common reaction, but it isn't always the reaction they kid needs. It's really, really hard to take a step back from the situation and just think about it. Which is kind of funny to write, because I just attended a training that said "IT'S OKAY TO TAKE SOME TIME TO THINK". (Which probably means that I need to pay more attention.)

It's easy to jump to a punishment, write a note, or make a phone call. The hard part is working it out with the kid. Asking the hard questions and figuring out what in the world is going on with them, instead of just punishing them for something they may not have any control over.

Seeking first to understand is hard. When I talk about the Seven Habits of Happy Kids with my students that one is the most difficult to explain, because sometimes I struggle with it. By sometimes I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I love my jobs. I love these kids. I might complain about them a lot, but it's because I want more from them and for them. I want them to succeed no matter what their circumstances Even though I know that some of their circumstances are not the greatest, I know they can overcome them. They are the future and, yes, sometimes the future is a little shaky and often times it farts in the middle of class, but that's okay. (Everybody farts, y'all.)

So, this week...okay, next week I'm going to remember that they're just kids. I going to think before I react and ask the hard questions. And, if all goes to crap, I'll just get up the next day and do it all over again.

XOXO,
Ash

Dear Younger Me

I was in the middle of a run the other day and a song came on my playlist that nearly stopped me in my tracks. I'm speaking literally here, I had a good pace going. Now, I listen to a lot of contemporary Christian music because that's just simply what I like. I love songs about redemption like people love songs about booty-shaking, call me crazy but I do. So, the song is called "Dear Younger Me" and even though I've heard it a few times it was different this listen. Different in the this-made-me-cry-I-can't-cry-while-I'm-running way.

The song is pretty much what you'd expect from a Christian band with a title like that. It's telling yourself "Hey, sometimes I wish you hadn't been so stupid"...only nicer. But just a little.

If I had a lot of money or were a betting person, I'd be willing to put some cash on the fact that we all feel like that sometimes. I know I do. There are things in my past that I am definitely not proud of. Some skeletons in my closet that I don't really care to share. It's taken years to get over some of the things that have happened in my past; there are some things that I might not ever get over. You know what, though? I'm okay with that.

The song talks about how if we could tell our younger selves all we've learned so far and tell them, then they'd be one step ahead. I think about that sometimes. Like, if we could go back in time and warn ourselves about things. For example: "On (this day) in 2006 you're probably going to get your heart ripped out, just don't answer the phone, okay?" That's not realistic, however, and that's okay. We can't change things that we've done or that have happened to us; we can only learn and grow from them.

I think that sometimes people have a hard time letting go of the past but, like, it's gone. You can't change it, you can't fix it. Sure, it messed you up, but you are better than that. Get over it.

Not sorry.

Sometimes I tend to be a little harsh in the "get over it" sort of way. I just don't see the sense in dwelling on the past. Unless your past has been really, really horrific, then I'm sorry. 

I wish I could say that everything stupid thing I've done has made me a better person, but I'd be lying. (Sometimes I'm really an ass.) I wish I could say that everything that has happened has provided an opportunity for growth, but that would also be a lie. Sometimes things just happen, you know? I'm not a big believer in "everything happens for a reason". I believe that things happen, we learn from them, and we move on. If we spend time worrying about the reason, then we're going to miss out on everything else! 

Instead I believe in growth and change. In hope and perseverance. I believe in being strong when people don't think you can be. I don't believe our past defines us. 

So, if I got to say something to myself it would be this: 

Thanks. Thanks for being stubborn and stupid. Thanks for making those mistakes, because now I know that I can do better. Thanks for not giving up, because our life is good. Thanks for loving your family, even though they're really crazy. Thanks for finding Jesus, he's helped us a lot. Thanks for being awesome, it's only going to get better. 

Tell yourself something good this week, okay? 

All The Things

Oh, hey. You're still here? Yeah, me too.

It's been a month since my rant about honking at runners and I don't actually have an excuse except that I've been really, really tired. Like, really. I kept thinking I wanted to write a post about how tired I've been but I don't want all those "Hey, at least you don't have kids" and "But you don't have anyone to go home to" comments. I know I don't have a family or anything to come home to (do you seriously think I don't?), but that doesn't mean I don't have a life. Okay, so my life isn't that interesting...but I also don't like to complain, so I've put off this post for a while.

It's not that I'm tired per se, but more like I'm stretched too thin. Honestly, this is my own fault. I like to do things. I need to do things. No, I don't have this sick need for recognition, I just actually like doing stuff for people. (One of my spiritual gifts is Helps - a blessing and a curse, let's be real.)

Sometimes, though...sometimes doing stuff gets tiring.

Most of the stuff I do is for work because I love my job. I love it. There is nothing else I'd rather be doing, which is great because most of my waking hours are actually spent at work. Sometimes I think back to summer vacation and to those moments when I used to get a little stir crazy and wish for something to do. Those are times when I also wish I could kick myself. Sometimes I get the "You need a life" or "You work too much" talk (thanks, Mom), but I don't really mind. I do work a lot. But I love it.

I talk a big talk about being alone, hating everyone and pants, but the time I get to spend with my people helps to alleviate some of work stress. Praise band on Tuesday, life group on Thursday, people in my books on the weekends. The weeks where everything runs together smoothly are like magic. Especially if I get to train in that week since I'm supposed to be running a half-marathon in two months. That's a whole other post entirely. But, of course, the weeks aren't always perfect.

There are days when I feel like I've bit off more than I can chew. Like I really can't do all the things I've committed to and that kind of scares me. It scares me because I want to be able to do all the things. This weekend was the first weekend in over a month when I actually didn't have anything I was committed to. No school functions, no family parties, no races...IT WAS AMAZING. But still, I love doing the things.

Actually me. 

One day I want to be able to do all the things I want and do all the things people think I should do. You know, get married and have kids and get a dog or something. I don't know what the kids are doing these days. 

Anyways, back to doing stuff. I love doing stuff! Sometimes I see my coworkers all freaking out and having bad days and I just want to hug them. I really do because I love you guys and you're all so awesome. Yeah, it's a hard job and we do a lot, but it's the best job. It's not a job you can walk out on and not think about again. Maybe it's just me, but I take it home every night. I take it home mentally, because I'm also thinking about what I can do better, how I can fix something that might not have gone well, how I can try to be better the next day. Sometimes I'm a grump and I want to turn it around. Sometimes nothing goes right so I have to put in a little extra effort to make sure I'm doing my best. 

Sure, sometimes your best is hard. Maybe you don't think things you do deserve your best, but they do. Perhaps the people don't deserve your best, but you should give it to them anyway. Not because they deserve it, but because you do. 

I hope you're doing all the things you want to do. And that you're drinking a lot of coffee while you do it. 

Also me.

Don't Honk at Me

Ugh, I'm annoyed.

I started the first week of September training for a half marathon and so far it's been going okay. I say okay because, ugh, running. I love running, but it's the worst, okay? I also have been working, like, fourteen hour days so it's hard to get my training in sometimes.

Anyways, that's not the point.

The point is that while I'm running, or rather, since I started running, I've had to deal with some things and at this point I'm kind of over it.

I hate when people honk at me while I'm running. There, I've said it. The truth is out. I think it's rude, disrespectful, and to be honest it makes me feel unsafe. I don't live in a super great part of town so any extra attention already freaks me out. Also, I'm fluffy and barely five-feet-tall. I can't take care of myself, and it isn't like I run quickly.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but this has been bothering me for a few weeks. I know that I have had people tell me they saw me or said "hey, I honked at you" and yeah, okay. Maybe it's a little bit of motivation for me and that's cool for you. But for me to be a woman, alone on a busy street, and hear honking, it's a little scary.

Perhaps the strangers that honk also think they are helping me be motivated, or maybe they just feel sorry for the poor, slow girl who looks like she wants to die or is going spastic with some random dance move. (It happens.) It just doesn't really feel that way.

Honestly...it feels like I'm being objectified and it scares me. Last week someone actually cat-called at me while they were driving at 40+ MPH. I mean, really? Really? Is that supposed to be sexy? Am I supposed to be flattered? Because all they got was a very non-Methodist gesture and a dirty look. It isn't sexy, and it isn't flattering. It's rude and disrespectful. I'm a woman and an athlete (lolz) and I feel that we, as women and athletes, should be respected as that. On a run with my sister tonight we were yelled at once and honked at three times in a thirty minute period. We were not amused.

Seriously. This is what I look like after a run. I'm not cute, okay?

You're probably thinking I'm going all feminist on you, and that's okay. Point is, I should be able to do what I want with my body, when I want to, and be able to feel safe doing it. If that means I can run down the street in sensible clothes that show minimal skin without feeling like I'm being ogled, then so be it.

Is that too much to ask?

#respecttherunner

Oh, and don't even get me started on people who don't look before driving through crosswalks!

Happy honking.

If you're a friend who has honked I'm sorry and I love you.

Be Cool

I yelled at my kids last week. Not all of them, just a few. (Okay, I've used my teacher voice a little more than I'd like this year, but that's another post entirely. Or maybe that's just a happy hour conversation to save for later.)

This is my confession. I yelled. I felt bad. I tried to make excuses for my behavior, and then I felt guilty. Maybe they deserved it, but that was really no excuse for my behavior. I mean, I felt really bad. Here's the thing: I had a bad reaction to an already bad situation and I lost my cool.

But I really did. 

I know it's hard to believe, but it happened. If I were using that as a teachable moment I would have said to myself: "You did not seek first to understand, then to be understood, Ashley". Then I would have yelled at myself for being an asshole when I was already feeling bad.

It's been a week and I still think about it and get a little embarrassed because I hate losing my cool. Haaaaaate it. It sounds a little ridiculous, but if I lose my cool it's like they've beaten me. And the thing is, is that they always will if you let them.

Now, I'm not saying this like everyday is a constant battle, even though sometimes it feels like it can be. What I mean is- and I mean this is the most professional way possible- you have to show them that you are the boss.

Losing your cool does not show them you are the boss. It show's them that you have a short temper and they can get to you quickly.

Don't be a spaz, okay? 

I really feel like to key to any well functioning classroom is respect. Not just respect between teacher and students, but also students and other students. Hell, I feel the key to anything working well is respect. Respect, not fear or coercion. I guess the hard part is: how do you earn that respect without being a hardass? How do you do it without being mean and loud? How, how, how?

One thing I like to do is embarrass myself as much as possible. By the end of the first week students know which books I like (Harry Potter), who my favorite superhero is (Captain America), what's my favorite animal (turtles, but I have a cat), and so on. Sometimes we sing and play silly games, or sometimes I sing just to make them laugh. It breaks up the monotony of the day and I think that, by me acting like an idiot, they get to see a different side of me.

Of course, I still have to be tough. I still don't put up with BS. There are consequences for all actions, good and bad. That's something that we are still learning about and understanding here in the fifth week of school.

It's a process, though, and I'm working through it.

Someone mentioned after my last post that they were looking for the positive piece in it. The thing is...sometimes there isn't a positive piece. Sometimes they day is just shitty and you have to move on. Sometimes the next day isn't any better. But maybe, after a few of those bad days, some kid comes up to you and smiles and hugs you...and maybe that's it. Maybe that's your positive. I've learned in my life that not all things happen when and how we want them to. The same goes with teaching. Teaching is a lifestyle, it's a life. It doesn't always go the way you want it to, but sometimes it's pretty sweet. I hope I can remember that the next time my cool threatens to be lost. ;)

Keep on truckin', y'all.