New Year, Same Blog

Here we are. 2018. I'm feeling much more like a human today (seriously, why do you people invite me places?) and figured I'd take a moment to sum up last year. 

 2017 was a whirlwind of triumphs and tragedies. It was a year of moving on and moving forward. Building friendships and reuniting with old friends. It was rough, but it was fun. 

Just as we made it to the year anniversary of losing my stepfather, I had to say goodbye to my beloved Papa. It hurt, losing two men whom I loved dearly within such a close period of time. My family is strong. Resilient. Though we continue to struggle with our grief, I know that our bonds are stronger for it. Sometimes we scatter, but we always find our way back to each other. This year has definitely been hard on us...but I know we'll be okay. 

This year was definitely a time for me to step out of my comfort zone a little bit. In June I traveled to Amish Country (alone, omg) to do a 200-ish mile relay race with ten people I'd never met and one dear online friend. We slept in a van, ran the miles, at the food, and had a lot of fun. Running a Ragnar race wasn't something I even thought I wanted to do, but now I'm ready for another one. 

July led me to Nicaragua with my church to visit a village that we sponsor. It was a week of meeting people, introducing ourselves, listening to their stories, and praying with them. The best part of this trip was the people who helped me get there by their donations and prayers. I was overwhelmed with support from not only my church family, but also people that I work with. 

I'd have to say that the biggest thing I faced this year was buying a house. It was probably the most stressful thing I've ever done, but also the most rewarding. My sister and I have had a great time making our little house a home (even welcoming a crazy new kitten to the mix). This was definitely a triumph of 2017. 

This school year (if you follow this blog at all) has been a challenge each and every day. So many changes happened early on in the year, not to mention the Cat 5 hurricane that put us out of commission for over two weeks. We are slowly but surely getting our groove back in Room 210. I love my job and I know it's a tough one. But, like I always say, it's a good one. 

When I started this blog almost five years ago I didn't really have a purpose or direction with it. Honestly, I still don't. A lot of the times I feel like what I'm writing doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I know that we are all struggling with things: personal, spiritual, physical, work related...I just try my best to share experiences with others and hope that they help someone in the process. There's a lot I don't put out there, and that's okay. (Some people think I put too much out there. Oh, well.) 

I'm looking forward to 2018 and the experiences it holds. I know that there will be ups and downs. There will moments of sadness and hopefully many, many triumphs. I'm also looking forward to sharing those experiences with you, so be prepared. 

This year I'm going focus on my health in many ways: physical, mental, spiritual. There will definitely be struggles. That's just life. I'm here for it, though. 

Happy New Year, friends. Let do this...

...after I finish watching all ten seasons of Smallville. 

Ready or Not...

...tomorrow is the first day of school and I AM FREAKING OUT, MAN.

Okay, so I'm not exactly freaking out like there's a troll in the dungeon but it's still a nerve-wracking time, you know? Technically I've been "back to work" since July 27th, which is kind of sad because summer was so short and that's, well, sad. (There's a big long explanation about that, but it's boring, so let's move on.)

I was actually pretty excited about going back to work; I won't lie. I had a great summer: mission trip with my church to Kentucky, two week long road trip with my family, and lots of books. But...something is always missing when I'm not at work.

Mainly: my purpose.

A lot of you are probably rolling your eyes and muttering about dramatics and stuff, but it's true! When I don't work I am useless. I eat, drink coffee, and read books. Do I change lives? No. I hardly even change out of my pajamas.

We (teachers) have spent the majority of our time back sitting in trainings, learning about new strategies, and calmly and silently freaking out about everything under the sun.

I left school at 6PM and the anxiety has slowly been building ever since. I know I'm a good teacher. I know it will be okay. I know I've already forgotten at least ten things that I need to do tomorrow.

I also know (sorry, that's a lot of "I"s) that I have one of the greatest jobs in the world.

There are tiny humans being tucked into their beds right now in preparation for tomorrow. There are parents getting ready to send their kiddos to school for us to watch over. Me and you! Isn't that amazing? Our speaker, Nick Vujicic, at the annual CSUSA Summit said people in America overuse the word "amazing". It is, however, amazing that we get the privilege to do what we do every single day.

I love my job and you will not hear me say anything different than that, even on my worst day. Tomorrow starts my TENTH year teaching and my tenth year at my school. It's a place I love to be. I love my people, my kids, my purpose.

Tomorrow, I hope you go into school full of love. I hope you go in full of hope. We are in charge of the future. We are here, on this earth and in these classrooms, to show these kids that they are better than the situations they are born into. They are better than the hand they've been dealt. They can be anything they want to be because we believe in them. Because we love them.

I hope you have an AMAZING (there's that word again) year.

XOXO

Take a Day

I don't like not going to work. Like, some people enjoy a day off. They relax, read, shop...whatever. I don't. I worry.

Why?

Because I love my job. I love my kids. I feel guilty when I leave them.

Except for yesterday, that is.

I guess it comes to a point where you literally have to take a day off. You have to get your mindset right because everything feels wrong and everything is off and OH MY GOSH, WILL YOU JUST STOP TALKING is constantly happening in your head.

Yeah, that was me on Thursday. I worried for the majority of the day about whether or not I would have everything ready. Would my sub know what to do if I just wrote this, would the kids remember to do xyz...stuff like that.

Then it was time to go home and I just decided that it would be okay.

It's okay to take a day off because we teachers, me included, are humans.

Can you believe it?

I know some of you reading this won't think it really matters if I take a day off from work or not. You might not get the stress that we teachers deal with on a daily basis. Maybe you think that we just hang out and have fun all day and, sure, sometimes that's the case. Often times, it isn't though.

Teaching, in itself is not hard. It isn't difficult to plan, talk, and grade. It's not hard to pass out papers, put on band-aids, or reprimand.

What's hard is trying to do right by the kids that people have entrusted with you. It's hard to get to know them and to understand why they do certain things. Knowing how to teach them is hard. Understanding their actions is harder.

Forgiving them? Loving them? Man, that's easy.

I don't have kids of my own. I have twenty-three other people's children in my care. I see my friends and I hear them talk about their kids and their struggles and I think "Wow, that's hard". But, truth is, teachers have those struggles too. We struggle with when to discipline and when to let is slide. When to coddle and when to let them be independent.

It's a hard job, but it can be so rewarding.

So, I took a day. I could feel the stress of the past couple weeks of testing, mixed up schedules, license renewing, and just life settling on my shoulders.

It was a nice day. A greatly needed day. I've come to realize more and more this year that I need to do that. I need to take care of myself if I want to be the best teacher I can be. If I'm constantly focused on them, on the job, on anything else...then I'm not focused on me. That sounds selfish, but at the same time I know I'm not my best person when I'm stressed out over things or frustrated about, oh, everything. Thankfully, I have the best team ever who take care of my kiddos when I'm gone and tell me not to worry even though they know I will. (Love you guys. :P)

But, all that stress aside, I got to spend some time with one of my favorite people Thursday and then Friday my sister and I went to Disney World.

Honestly, who did you think I meant? GO SEE THIS MOVIE.
This also accurately describes life. 

It was nice and stress free. Well, if you don't count the stress I have over superhero movies, traffic, and the multitudes of people at Disney.

I could be overheard saying, more than once, "At least I'm not at work" and my sister would just shake her head. 

I missed my kids, but I'm glad I took a day. Hopefully I'll get back on Monday feeling refreshed and we'll be ready to take on the week together.  (Also, I have, like, 80 PTO hours, sooo...)

Also also, I woke up this morning with a lovely cold so I'm glad I had a day of fun before I started feeling like death. 

Find Your People

Most of my posts start with an idea and then end up being a few months in the making. Maybe I've developed ADD in my old age, or maybe I'm just really forgetful. Honestly, I feel like this post has been my entire life in the making. That's probably a little dramatic. Let me start over.

Life is hard. 

Last year I wrote this post about not doing life alone. It's important to have people in your life to keep you accountable, to keep you in check, and to motivate you. I feel like I'm at a good place in my life right now. Things have definitely been different and tough these past couple months and my family and I are learning how to deal with a lot of things.  I've had my people, though, and they help a lot.

So, maybe this is a thank you. Or maybe it's just a random rambling of thoughts. I don't really know. 

All I know it that it's good to have people who let you be yourself and encourage you to be the best you there is.

It's been a kind of weird road for me to get to a point where I'm comfortable being myself around people. I'm weird and I know it. I've always been this way. I love to make people laugh and I say a lot of stupid things. Most people just roll with it and that's what I love. Emotions (mostly crying) sometimes make me uncomfortable but I think my friends know that if they come to I'll listen and try to make them feel better by saying weird things.

I am Chandler. Chandler is me. 

The fact that people still want to be friends with me after I say stupid shit to them says a lot about them, really. But that's what makes it so good. There are those who let me ramble on but who, in turn, listen and give advice when I need it. Even when it's hard to ask for advice or to admit when I'm wrong about something. (Hey, it happens.)

I am un-ironically #blessed with quite possibly the best friends a person could ever ask for. They are new and old, young and old, near and far. They are my people and I am eternally grateful. 

I've got people who listen when I want to talk about anything and everything. People who send me pictures of cats, videos of cats, shirts with cats on them, pictures of their own cats...well, you get the idea. (Random pics of Chris Evans also work, just FYI.) 

I love that these people get me. That I can talk about books, comics, movies, cats, coffee, Captain America, teaching...anything. 

In turn, I hope they know they can come to me too. 

Like I said, I feel like it's important to not go through life alone. You've got to find your people. Find the ones who love you unconditionally, no matter how weird or crazy you are. Find them, and hold on to them. (But, like, in a safe way. Don't hold them hostage. That's bad.) 

A Grateful Heart

As most of you know a lot has happened in the past few weeks concerning my family. It's been just over three weeks since my stepfather unexpectedly passed away. I am not always so eloquent when I speak, so I thought I'd try to put some of my feelings into words and throw them into the vastness of the internet, if you'll let me.

These three weeks have been hard. This is not something that I thought would ever happen to me, my sister, or our family. Honestly, I don't think anyone expects someone they love to die, but it happens.

I was five years old when Tim first came into my life. For most of my years I would argue that I was actually six, just to make him mad and because I wanted to be right. For those of you who don't know, I have a dad whom I love a lot. We have a great relationship, but Tim was a huge part of my life growing up. He helped my mother support me financial, put me through private school, and eventually helped me when I went to college.

Some people think that's what matters, but it doesn't. Tim loved me from day one and, honestly, the feeling was mutual. As a child I never longed for love or affection. I come from a big, crazy, loving family and he only added to that. I was never his stepdaughter and always his daughter. Even after he and my mom split up. Even after our relationship was strained.

At his funeral the people who spoke talked about his contagious smile, giving nature, and big heart. How he could talk to anyone and make really, really stupid jokes all the time.

Okay, maybe not that last one, but they weren't his teenage daughter, were they?

Tim was charismatic and people loved him.

Especially me.

Our relationship was on the mend within the past few years, and I am grateful for that. I'm grateful for the few times we got to see each other or for the phone calls we exchanged. I'll never forget the last conversation I had with him or the fact that the last thing I told him was "I love you".

Life is short and fragile. It sucks and it's beautiful. If I've learned anything from this it's to not take anything for granted. My sister and I keep having these types of conversations that usually end with something like "he wouldn't want that". It's a cliched phrase to use, but we know how he would have wanted us to live our lives. He would want us to be happy. To love. To be kind. To be grateful.

I am grateful.

I'm grateful for the time that I got to spend with Tim. I'm grateful for my OCD cleaning tendencies that could have only been inherited from him (as my mother tells me). I'm grateful for the arguments we used to have deciding who loved the other more (there's a trick, I'll teach you). I am so, so grateful for all of the people in my life because of Tim. (Like, number one is my sister...but don't tell her that.)

Some days I wake up and I don't remember that he's gone. I know that there will always be days like that. This isn't something that we can get used to, but it isn't something that's going to go away. It's hard to realize that life goes on around you. The earth still spins even though you feel like it's stopped.

I am grateful for the people in my life who help me keep spinning. For my mom and sister and our amazingly supportive families. My friends, coworkers, and even my kiddies at school.

I'm grateful for a church family who supports me, prays for me, and with me...who loves me and reminds me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, also. We have been leaning heavily on our faith more than ever, thankful that we have such a firm foundation and such strong beliefs.

There is so much life to love and embrace and, as cheesy as it sounds, I hope you don't waste it. I hope I don't waste it either.

Thanks for reading.

Love you most. ;) 

XOXO

This Job Doesn't Always Suck (I Promise)

Oh, hey. It's been a while since I've sat down and put some words out here, so I thought I'd get on that. I mentioned a while back in This Job Sucks (But Not Really) that I didn't post a lot of things last year because a lot of the time I couldn't find the positive things to focus on. That's not the case this year and that's a good thing. I guess I just keep getting wrapped up in other things that I forget that I might have things to say.

This year has been going well and I know it's a huge mixture of things. I feel pretty confident about my classroom management and I really have a good group of kids. One thing that I'm really trying to focus on is not rewarding every little thing. I know, I can sense some of your teacher minds telling me I'm crazy, but I've found that it actually kind of works. I've mentioned before a fairly extensive classroom management training that I've done called Responsive Classroom and it's something that I truly believe in and (try to) use daily. I know that it's a learning process and I have to find what works for my class, but so far my students are doing pretty well. (I also did this last year and really enjoy it.)

The point of not giving rewards is that students should know the right way to behave. If we reward them every time they do something right, then they're going to grow up to be adults who demand recognition for every little thing. And we, as adults, know that that is just not how life works, am I right? So, I don't do a lot of individual behavior charts and things in my class, but I do special things like choosing a Mystery Leader and Mystery Line Walker. We do table points and are working on a system of rewards for good days with specialists (trust me, that is a whole other post...). But, for the most part, I have some good eggs in my class. I do have a few students that still ask for rewards or sometimes get greedy, but we're working on it.

One thing that made me smile last week was this:

Sometimes I do give rewards because I have some students who just need that love. And I'm not saying that it's something that stems from home, I just know that sometimes they need to know that i love them. Last week I gave one of my kids a choice of four little plastic dinosaurs because he had a really, really good week. He deserved it. Honestly. He really, really did. (Sometimes it's hard.) He chose what he wanted and I left the room to go to my dismissal duty. I was kind of iffy about it, but when I told him he could his smile was huge. Then, when I came back, I found that note on my desk. 

Last year, even though it was tough, I still had a lot of awesome kids. Today was the last day for our student-led conferences (where the students tell their parents about their accomplishments) and my kids did really well. I couldn't help but think back to a situation that I had last year in preparation for all of these meetings, though. I shared with a few of my friends what happened when one of my high performing students came in with their parents and the parents were...not nice? It wasn't that they were unkind to me (although they did ask for hand sanitizer immediately after shaking my hand), but I was very disappointed in the way they treated their very intelligent, very hard working child. It was just little, nit-picky things, but it upset the student and it upset me. I don't often get emotional, but I remember calling my own mother, bursting into tears, and thanking her for not being an asshole when I was growing up. I was a fairly intelligent child (mediocre adult), but I never felt pressured to do more than simply my best. I know that my parents were disappointed if I didn't do well. (I personally thought the world would end when I got my first B in third grade.) I also knew that my parents would support me no matter what and would always want what was best for me. This kid had so much pressure on them and I hated to see them upset. It's so easy to try to focus on the negative, but it's so much better to point out the positive. That's something I'm striving for this year. 

My conferences this year were amazing. The kids did well, the parents were proud. I almost got emotional just listening to parents telling their kids, my kids how proud they were of them. I love that. I love to see my kids lifted up by people who love them. Like I said above, sometimes it's so, so hard. But it's also so, so worth it. 

Well, there's a bunch of rambly things that I hope you can make some sense of. I hope you're having a great year so far and that you and your kiddos are having fun. This job is hard, but it's good. 

Here's a picture of a cookie I got after a conference. I'm a little spoiled. 

It's like they know me or something.

Happy teaching.

No Man is an Island

I've been playing around with the idea for this post for a few months. Probably since before the end of last school year and I just couldn't find the words to make it work. I don't know if these are the words that are going to make it work, but I'm going to try.

This weekend my sister and I went on kind of a "spiritual binge" at Rock the Universe (a two-night Christian music festival at Universal Studios) and a lot of it was incredibly eye-opening.

I titled this post "No Man is an Island" for a couple of reasons:

#1: It's a song by one of my very favorite bands Tenth Avenue North.

#2: It's a song that speaks to me about life. My life now, and what my life used to be like.

#3: It's a cool title.

Okay, so I get a lot of flack from people who think I'm kind of cranky and moody and, well, you get the idea. Sometimes I can be those things, but most of the time I try really, really hard not to be.

See, there was a time in my life when I was really cranky. Like...

Mean.

Angry.

Hateful.

I don't want to be those things anymore, so I do my best to be...nice. A lot of the time I'm just really sarcastic and people don't get it. I'm working on that too.

Anyway, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is that if I didn't have people in my life to keep me balanced I would still be that person. So many things have changed since my life was like that. I remember so vividly my very first evaluation at the end of my first year of teaching. My observer mentioned that my mentor teachers said something along the lines of me "not working well with others".

That was my first reaction and my initial feeling. Of course, we always want to blame others for our mistakes because that's easier. It's easier not to feel accountable for anything, including our own faults. It's taken me a while to get through that initial evaluation. I think about it every year when I start fresh with my team. I think about how we share ideas, triumphs, challenges...and I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I'm not alone and that I have people who have my back. 

I feel like this goes with so many other parts of my life, though. I love to be alone, but I know that it's important to have people to support you. For me, the change started when I began attending church regularly. It had been so long since I'd let anyone into my life that it was kind of scary. But, here I was reconnecting with my best friend, making new friends, and welcoming God back into my life. 

I know that getting back into church is way turned my life around. I know that committing to a life with Christ is what helped get me over whatever I was dealing with. (I think I'm mostly over it?) 

Because of that I'm able to share my life with others. Because of that I know I'm not alone. I think it's important to find your people, no matter where you are. I have a lot of people and I'm so, so grateful for all of them. 

One of the things that stuck with me the most this weekend was something Mike Donehey, the lead singer for Tenth Avenue North said. I can't remember the exact quote, but it he was talking about wanting to be used by God in any way possible and how important it was to not look down on others or judge others because we think we are better than them. I think that's so important, and it's one of the things I struggle with everyday. It's not easy to admit that, but it's true. 

I have people to keep me in check everywhere I turn. There are so many things that I need help with and I'm glad that my eyes are finally open to that. I'm thankful to have a family that keeps me on my toes, people who help me be a better teacher, lifegroups that help me be a stronger Christian, friends to be honest with me when it matters most. 

We are not islands. We can't do life alone. I'm thankful everyday for the people I get to do life with.   

Remember that next time you think I'm being mean.

That last part was a joke. 

Here's the video for this lovely song: 

Like We Were Children

I get a lot of good ideas when I'm running, which is really bad because I obviously can't write anything down and I also have a terrible memory.

I am Dory. Dory is me. 

A few days ago I was running and one of my favorite songs came on and I had this great idea for a blog post. Then REAL LIFE kept moving on and I...forgot.

But I remembered! 

I love the Christian rock band NEEDTOBREATHE and when these lyrics came on they just kind of spoke to me: 

"Let us love like we were children,

make us feel, like we’re still living-

in a world, I know, that’s burning to the ground.

Give us time to beat the system,

make us find what we’ve been missing-

In a world, I know, that’s burning to the ground." 

It's a little morbid to think of the world "burning to the ground", so I really focused on the "like we were children" part. Those are the words that got to me. See, school starts in just a few days and children are about to become my (our) job again. 

One thing I love about teaching is the way that kids view the world. At this point in their lives most of them are still so innocent and full of wonder. 

If you haven't seen Rise of the Guardians do it. 

It is so much fun to watch kids learn, grow, and succeed. That is what I am looking forward to the the most this year. Last year I struggled, but when I look back on the successes that my students did have I am genuinely moved. You have heard me say it over and over again: these kids change me. For the most part I am changed for the better. We are put to tests and faced with things that a lot of people do not have to deal with- but we do it.

I know that if I'm challenged it's because I need to change. 

If something isn't working I need to fix it.

The resilience that some students have always amazes. Students go through so much more than even know and it is a privilege to be a part of their lives (even if we might not always feel like it). 

I try to set goals for myself every year whether it be about how to lead my team or how to teach my students. This week my motto has been "less is more". I've just been muttering or yelling it down the halls at random times and people. (I'm sorry.)

Part of me isn't really sure what I want less/more of, but I'm working on it. I want more wonder and less worry, that's for sure. As a teacher I want to be able to see the world like my kids do; to wake up every day excited to learn.

I want to live, love, and learn like children do.

Simple. Fun. Wondrous.  

I'm nervous about next week, but I'm also excited. I've learned a lot this past week and I'm ready to get it out there and share it with my kids. 

I hope you're ready, too. 

Run Your Heart Out

Did I ever tell you about running cross country in high school? You probably think because I write/post so much about running that I was really good at (you know, like I am now, LOLFOREVER), but I wasn't. I thought it would be pretty easy, only I was young and dumb and out of shape. I finished every race, though. Last.

So, whatever. Here were are (OMG) fifteen years later and running is like...a thing. And, more importantly, it's my thing. It isn't that I'm very good at it, but I can do it, and I like it! I mean, I can't tell you that I loooooooove it because no one actually loves running. It's a great stress reliever and basically allows you to eat a lot. Rungry is a thing, okay?

Okay, the point to this is that I crossed something off my list this weekend. Something I actually didn't even give a second thought to until this time last year. Now, I don't have a bucket list or anything. I feel that if something is cool and I want to do it, then one day I'll try.

Apparently I thought running a half marathon was cool.

So I did it.

And it was amazing.

We (my running buddy, Michelle) started training in September. LOL, two teachers starting training for a half marathon when school starts. Yeah, we were laughing too, only not really. Training was hard to keep up with, especially with school and my busy social calendar. That's a joke, by the way. In October we did a ten-miler that got us pretty pumped for thirteen. It didn't hurt that everyone we know who is a distance runner told us "Oh, just another three! That's no big deal!". You're all a bunch of liars, okay?

Eventually all of our almost training paid off, however. Saturday we got up dark and early and headed to Walt Disney World to get our run on with a few thousand of our closest friends. Yeah, some people think you're insane because you love running. Or because you pay to run. Or because you wear your Captain America socks with the wings on them while running.

Whatever, Ma. Everyone else liked them. :) 

So being at Disney at 4AM is not quite as fun as it sounds. Especially when it's forty-five degrees out and you're born and raised Floridian with thin blood. Here's the thing...it was totally worth it. I had been stressing for weeks about whether or not I was going to make this race. I was worried I hadn't trained enough. I was worried I wasn't going to make it. I was worried I was going to get hurt. 

It was awesome. 

There was so much excitement surrounding us that it left absolutely no time to be nervous. Also, there were so many people around us that it didn't matter if it was your first or your hundredth race, because everyone was about having fun. The best part was that I made it and I made it with one of my best friends. We both know that it would have been difficult had we not taken this journey together (she's texting me motivational pictures trying to talk me into a FULL marathon as I type this), and it probably wouldn't have been as much fun. 

also got to meet Mer and Brooke from ScootADoot AND IT WAS AWESOME. I once said that it was my dream to run with Mer and then it happened. Sigh. They're both so pretty. 

I look so stupid because I'M SO EXCITED

But really, I can't really describe the feeling that I got when I crossed the finish line. It was mostly relief because I'd been up since 2AM and was hungry and cold and sweaty. Yeah, that's a thing that can happen. But also...I don't think I've felt that proud of myself about something in a long time. When you're an adult it's hard to come by those things, you know? Aside from like, getting married and having kids or something. (LOL.)

During this whole process I've been consistently amazed about what a body can do. Actually, what my thirty-one-year-old body could do that my sixteen-year-old body didn't really feel like doing. It's amazing what can happen when you put your mind to it. And what you can do when you're motivated by the right people and have good friends to get you through stuff. You can do really cool things when you try. 

Now you do something awesome. Do it for you. Or go out and do something awesome for other people. 

I'm going to leave you with some pictures and go lather on the BioFreeze. 

Well, now it's real.

The castle! And Elsa! And Anna! And Kristoff! 

Magic Kingdom selfie!

Medals! We made it!

Beermosa. Congrats to me! 

Worth it. 

Go do something.

It'll Be Okay

Is this week over yet? No?

It's been a tough one, that's for sure. It probably has to do with not having to set an alarm for over two weeks. Or maybe it was the full moon. Perhaps is was the students all hopped up on Christmas break and presents and cookies (oh, the cookies). Any day after a long vacation is like herding cats, in my opinion. I've never actually herded cats, but they're just like children, right? 

Anywho, it's been a day. A day from a place. A place that rhymes with smell, if you catch my drift. (You do, I know it.) Lucky for me, I'm not the only one who had the day-from-a-place-that-rhymes-with-smell. How do I know, you ask? I can see it on their faces, it's like looking into a mirror. 

It's comforting, though, really. It's good to know that we aren't the only ones who have bad days. Not all days are bad, but they aren't all good either. Children aren't perfect, the world isn't perfect, you are not perfect (no matter how hard we try or want to be). 

So, it'll be okay. Will it be great? Eh. Is it going to be awesome? Probably not. Will you make it through? I'm sure it doesn't always feel like it. 

You will, though. 

You've got friends to help you get through it. People to empathize with you and give you advice. Advice is my favorite thing. It used to be (a long time ago) that I didn't take advice very well. Now, I thrive on it. And if people come to me for advice? I'm flailing on the inside, but trying to act cool, okay? 

There are other thing to keep you going, too. Your job doesn't define you. You define you. I wasn't very nice a couple of times today, but that doesn't mean that I don't love those little stinkers  kids a lot! 

Each and every day I try to focus on something positive that happened, even if it doesn't always happen with my job. Maybe traffic wasn't too bad, or something was on sale on Target. Maybe I got a free drink at Starbucks, or my cat didn't vomit while I was at work. 

Or maybe...maybe it's just the fact that you woke. You got out of bed. You went to a job where you are appreciated. Maybe you made a difference even though you didn't know it. Maybe one day down the road some kid is going to remember something you said, and that kid ends up changing the world. 

Who really knows? 

Or maybe...maybe your good thing is that you get to home with those you love. You get to do something you enjoy. Maybe it's because Friday is just around the corner. 

Whatever your little thing is, I hope it makes you smile after a shitty day. 

My little thing is that I don't have to work Friday. (Sorry, suckas.)

Peace. 

Dear Younger Me

I was in the middle of a run the other day and a song came on my playlist that nearly stopped me in my tracks. I'm speaking literally here, I had a good pace going. Now, I listen to a lot of contemporary Christian music because that's just simply what I like. I love songs about redemption like people love songs about booty-shaking, call me crazy but I do. So, the song is called "Dear Younger Me" and even though I've heard it a few times it was different this listen. Different in the this-made-me-cry-I-can't-cry-while-I'm-running way.

The song is pretty much what you'd expect from a Christian band with a title like that. It's telling yourself "Hey, sometimes I wish you hadn't been so stupid"...only nicer. But just a little.

If I had a lot of money or were a betting person, I'd be willing to put some cash on the fact that we all feel like that sometimes. I know I do. There are things in my past that I am definitely not proud of. Some skeletons in my closet that I don't really care to share. It's taken years to get over some of the things that have happened in my past; there are some things that I might not ever get over. You know what, though? I'm okay with that.

The song talks about how if we could tell our younger selves all we've learned so far and tell them, then they'd be one step ahead. I think about that sometimes. Like, if we could go back in time and warn ourselves about things. For example: "On (this day) in 2006 you're probably going to get your heart ripped out, just don't answer the phone, okay?" That's not realistic, however, and that's okay. We can't change things that we've done or that have happened to us; we can only learn and grow from them.

I think that sometimes people have a hard time letting go of the past but, like, it's gone. You can't change it, you can't fix it. Sure, it messed you up, but you are better than that. Get over it.

Not sorry.

Sometimes I tend to be a little harsh in the "get over it" sort of way. I just don't see the sense in dwelling on the past. Unless your past has been really, really horrific, then I'm sorry. 

I wish I could say that everything stupid thing I've done has made me a better person, but I'd be lying. (Sometimes I'm really an ass.) I wish I could say that everything that has happened has provided an opportunity for growth, but that would also be a lie. Sometimes things just happen, you know? I'm not a big believer in "everything happens for a reason". I believe that things happen, we learn from them, and we move on. If we spend time worrying about the reason, then we're going to miss out on everything else! 

Instead I believe in growth and change. In hope and perseverance. I believe in being strong when people don't think you can be. I don't believe our past defines us. 

So, if I got to say something to myself it would be this: 

Thanks. Thanks for being stubborn and stupid. Thanks for making those mistakes, because now I know that I can do better. Thanks for not giving up, because our life is good. Thanks for loving your family, even though they're really crazy. Thanks for finding Jesus, he's helped us a lot. Thanks for being awesome, it's only going to get better. 

Tell yourself something good this week, okay? 

All The Things

Oh, hey. You're still here? Yeah, me too.

It's been a month since my rant about honking at runners and I don't actually have an excuse except that I've been really, really tired. Like, really. I kept thinking I wanted to write a post about how tired I've been but I don't want all those "Hey, at least you don't have kids" and "But you don't have anyone to go home to" comments. I know I don't have a family or anything to come home to (do you seriously think I don't?), but that doesn't mean I don't have a life. Okay, so my life isn't that interesting...but I also don't like to complain, so I've put off this post for a while.

It's not that I'm tired per se, but more like I'm stretched too thin. Honestly, this is my own fault. I like to do things. I need to do things. No, I don't have this sick need for recognition, I just actually like doing stuff for people. (One of my spiritual gifts is Helps - a blessing and a curse, let's be real.)

Sometimes, though...sometimes doing stuff gets tiring.

Most of the stuff I do is for work because I love my job. I love it. There is nothing else I'd rather be doing, which is great because most of my waking hours are actually spent at work. Sometimes I think back to summer vacation and to those moments when I used to get a little stir crazy and wish for something to do. Those are times when I also wish I could kick myself. Sometimes I get the "You need a life" or "You work too much" talk (thanks, Mom), but I don't really mind. I do work a lot. But I love it.

I talk a big talk about being alone, hating everyone and pants, but the time I get to spend with my people helps to alleviate some of work stress. Praise band on Tuesday, life group on Thursday, people in my books on the weekends. The weeks where everything runs together smoothly are like magic. Especially if I get to train in that week since I'm supposed to be running a half-marathon in two months. That's a whole other post entirely. But, of course, the weeks aren't always perfect.

There are days when I feel like I've bit off more than I can chew. Like I really can't do all the things I've committed to and that kind of scares me. It scares me because I want to be able to do all the things. This weekend was the first weekend in over a month when I actually didn't have anything I was committed to. No school functions, no family parties, no races...IT WAS AMAZING. But still, I love doing the things.

Actually me. 

One day I want to be able to do all the things I want and do all the things people think I should do. You know, get married and have kids and get a dog or something. I don't know what the kids are doing these days. 

Anyways, back to doing stuff. I love doing stuff! Sometimes I see my coworkers all freaking out and having bad days and I just want to hug them. I really do because I love you guys and you're all so awesome. Yeah, it's a hard job and we do a lot, but it's the best job. It's not a job you can walk out on and not think about again. Maybe it's just me, but I take it home every night. I take it home mentally, because I'm also thinking about what I can do better, how I can fix something that might not have gone well, how I can try to be better the next day. Sometimes I'm a grump and I want to turn it around. Sometimes nothing goes right so I have to put in a little extra effort to make sure I'm doing my best. 

Sure, sometimes your best is hard. Maybe you don't think things you do deserve your best, but they do. Perhaps the people don't deserve your best, but you should give it to them anyway. Not because they deserve it, but because you do. 

I hope you're doing all the things you want to do. And that you're drinking a lot of coffee while you do it. 

Also me.

Pardon Me While I Fangirl

My last post was about how I don't know how to "act my age". This post is going to prove that point. It's going to prove it so good.

This weekend I finally got to visit The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Islands of Adventure. Sure, to a lot of people it's just a theme park with a cool castle and a couple of rides and a delicious Butterbeer drink. But to others (me) it's literature come to life. It is, almost literally, magic.

Let me give you a little history about my love affair with Mr. Potter. My younger sister was interested in the movies when she was a kid but I didn't really see what the big deal was at the time. Today (June 26th, 2014) marks the 17th anniversary of the release of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's (Sorcerer's to Americans) Stone. So, seventeen years ago I was in high school and the extent of my reading was either the required lists in my English class or some sort of trashy romance novel.

It wasn't until the third movie came out in 2004 and I took my sister to see it that I actually became interested in the series. It happened for a very specific reason that I remember so very clearly: I needed to know more. I even borrowed the first book from one of my classmates even though I'm pretty sure she hated me. There are so many things that were left unanswered for me in that two hours that I absolutely had to find them out as soon as possible. See, movies aren't always all they're cracked up to be. ;) 

I know there are people who don't like to read and there are people who definitely don't like to read children's fantasy books, but all I know is that the book is always better than the movie. This is something that the Harry Potter series has taught me. It's also taught me patience, though I consider myself lucky enough to not have started the journey with Mr. Potter until after what I can only imagine was a torturous three year wait between Book 4 and Book 5.

So, in the ten years since I've become a Potterhead I have been to two midnight book releases and five midnight movie openings. One thing I hadn't done? GO TO THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER WHEN IT OPENED IN 2010.

Until now:

"Yep, I'm home."

I can't really explain what it's like to see this place without waxing poetic about it, okay? I just know that I got a little emotional. Now, for a non-Potterhead (ie: normal person) that probably sounds weird. However, if you've read any of my other posts you know that I'm weird and you are either a) also weird, b) okay with my weirdness, or c) indifferent and like when I say stupid things. Like I said before, this park is literature come to life. Not only that, it's one of my favorite books of all time come to life. And, guys, it's amazing.

The details that are put into the stores and rides and the castle. This place is everything I hoped it would be and more. Even with the hundreds of people (tourists) milling about the little town of Hogsmeade it was an experience to remember. (So much so that we went back after spending a day at Universal Studios BECAUSE DIAGON ALLEY ISN'T OPEN YET.)

Pretty impressive. 

Anyways, the whole visit really was like magic and even though phase two isn't open at Universal Studios yet, they do offer you a sneak peek of the outside streets and some of the London buildings. 

King's Cross Station

The Knight Bus (The conductor looks just like Stan Shunpike.)

Outside buildings, including Grimmauld Place at the end.

If you (Potterheads) have seen any of the photos from Diagon Alley, you know this is pretty much nothing. But it was so exciting to catch a little glimpse of it even though it is apparently very tightly under lock and key. Universal workers said that they haven't seen any of it either, so it must be good. Oh, and don't try to jump the fence. They don't like when you do that. 

She was a good sport. 

That was my Wizarding World of Harry Potter experience and it was awesome. Nothing too embarrassing happened. I even survived riding Dragon Challenge solo because my family is a bunch of chickens. Well, nothing embarrassing happened until I met Captain America... 

Funny story for you okay? You know I love superheroes. Captain America is probably my favorite. (Okay he is. And okay it probably has something to do with the beauty that is Chris Evans. I can't help it, I like pretty things.Oh, and FREEDOM.) So here's what happened: 

My sister loves Wolverine and while we're hanging out in the Marvel Superhero Island the X-Men characters are out taking pictures. Now, when I went to Disney as a kid this was the coolest thing ever. I mean, those people are practically famous, right? Here I am at the ripe old age of thirty-one and I just don't care that much. (Can you sense the foreshadowing here?) So, Sarah is super excited to get her picture taken with Wolverine and I'm joking on her about it but she doesn't care 'cause the guy's pretty cute and nice so it's okay. I'm not sure what I was expecting in this part of the park since Disney owns Marvel and other things that I don't know a lot about, but I didn't think they would have any other heroes there. 

So. We're leaving to go on a ride and I'd turned around to say something to my mother and when I faced forward again there he was. Okay, I know he's just a dude in a suit. I KNOW. However, when some dude in a suit with a shield looking like your favorite superhero just appears right in front of you, sometimes you forgot how to human. That's not a typo, I forgot to how to human. As in: what are words? (Did I mention he was tall?) So, my mother jumped in (she could talk to a brick wall, for real) shook his hand and told him to shake mine, which he did and then he walked away. (He had nice eyes, too.)

How'd I get the picture, you ask? Oh, that's because I may have kind of stalked Captain America just a little bit. Of course, in true Captain America fashion he a) remembered me b) thanked me for coming to see him c) asked me if I wanted to be protected or hold the shield. 

After that I had to put up with a lot of crap from my sister because, yeah, they're just guys in suits taking pictures with gross, sweaty, weird people all day. I deserved it, though. To each fangirl her own, after all.

Some of us are just weirder than others.

That's it in a nutshell. I don't really know if this post had a point except for me to be excited about something and tell you an embarrassing story. I don't really mind that much, though. Laughter is the best medicine, in my book. Also, if you can't laugh at yourself then you suck, okay? 

But really, I don't think anyone is ever too old to experience magic. Maybe it's in a book or a theme park or a dude in a suit. Go have some fun or something and then tell me about it, because I love fun. 

XOXO

Act Your Age

So, Friday is my birthday.

It's not a milestone of a birthday and I'm not that upset about it. It will just be a change for me, a new era, if you will. Friday I turn thirty-one. Friday I will no longer be "thirty, flirty, and thriving. Friday will mean I am officially in my thirties.

This is okay. I can handle it. For one: sometimes I think I look like a twelve-year-old boy. I think it's my hair and my love of silly t-shirts. I'm okay with that. Just yesterday I was complimented by the cashier at Total Wine when I showed her my ID she said "Wow, I didn't think you were that old". Thank you, cashier who was probably barely old enough to sell me the six tiny bottles of vodka I needed to make my Cosmo Pops (recipe here). That's the kind of thing that doesn't make getting old seem so bad.

Of course, there are things, like an article shaming people for reading Young Adult novels (how rude) that make me feel guilty for getting older. Yeah, guilty for reading and enjoying what I read. (I do what I want, lady.)

Here's the thing: I don't act old because I don't feel old. Yeah, sometimes my joints hurt, I need more sleep than I used to, and I don't party the same way...but I've got a young heart, you see. Just last night at praise band rehearsal we were talking about age and one of my friends said to the other (not to me) "I'd never guess you were that old because you don't act your age". It's a compliment, if you ask me, when someone says that. But at the same time, how am I supposed to act at my age?

How does anyone know when we're all so damn different?

Two of my favorite television shows are Friends and How I Met Your Mother. Both of these shows are about thirty-somethings living in New York City. It showcases all their relationships, their job struggles, and their extra-curricular activities. In Friends the majority of the "hanging out" happens in a Central Perk, the coffee shop. Where as in HIMYM they are always at McClaren's, the bar downstairs.

If I based my "acting my age" on these two shows that people in my generation actually grew up with I'd split my time between being totally wasted and too strung out on caffeine to function!

When my mother was my age she was looking to have her second child and I was ten years old. When my Mema was my age she had just had my mother, her fourth daughter! Here I am going to be thirty-one and contemplating which book I'm going to read next or which television show I'm going to binge on this week.

I can't act my age, because I don't know how. I don't know how my age is supposed to act! Wine tastings? Art galleries? Silent movies? (Snoozefest 2014 if you ask me. I'll be going to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter for my birthday!)

All I know is how to be me.

My recent binge on Veronica Mars made me feel this was a necessity.

The me I am likes to read Young Adult novels and is not ashamed of it, no matter what that rude woman says. (I read all kinds of books, not just YA, thankyouverymuch.) The me I am likes to be interested in things wholeheartedly and not half-ass things. The me I am likes superhero movies over male stripper movies and that is just fine with me. The me I am loves her job, family, friends, church, cat, books, etc...

The me I am will be enjoying life in my thirties with people of all ages, who help keep me grounded and make me feel young, but most of all make me smile.

I hope you don't "act your age", either.

Teachers Be Like...

I love the beginning of the year. Sure, it's sad to say goodbye to summer. Goodbye to books, my couch, and lounging around at the pool all day. Hello to alarms, drinking copious amounts of coffee, and lots and lots of paperwork. The beginning of the year is still so magical. New kids, new clothes, new supplies. It's like Christmas for me. (I really love new crayons. Crayola only, kthnx.)

The end of the year, contrary to popular belief, is not my favorite. Here are a few reasons why:

Beginning of the year: Supplies are plentiful! I have so many supplies I'm practically giving them away. You need tissues? I've got you covered. Glue sticks? Take mine! What? You need paper? Here, what's mine is yours!

End of the year: If the Hunger Games were real they would take place in my classroom and it would be a fight to the death over the last glue stick. Or the pencil with *gasp* the eraser still attached to it. Seriously, why do you pull the erasers off, kids? You're ridiculous. The last Expo marker. These things really happen, okay? I just can't figure out how. How did we go from "You need to keep at least three pencils in your box!" to "You'd better get that one up off the floor if you plan on writing today, pal", it just happens.

"That glue stick is mine, Peeta!" 

Kids, man.

Beginning of the year: Sleep. I love sleep. At the beginning of the year I try my best to go to bed at a decent hour and be on time for work. It's important for a teacher to feel refreshed when she has to deal with hellions students eight hours a day and to be prepared for the day ahead.

End of the year: Now, not only is it difficult to fall asleep, it's hard to get up, too. Like, I have so much to do but instead of grading papers I'm staying up reading because reading is always my top priority. (Always.) It's a vicious cycle, y'all. Go to bed late, get up late, traffic...and of course: coffee.

Beginning of the year: Oh, one cup will do.

End of the year: Can you overdose on coffee?

One cup is never enough. 

Beginning of the year: Always look your best! Shower everyday! Wear makeup! (Kids like it when they think you're pretty.)

End of the year: Nope. 

What? Is there something on my face? 

These things are partly true, because the end of the year is stressful and there are a lot of things going on in everyone's heads. I mean, hopefully. What's killing me the most of how much my kids get me, how I get them, and how I'm really, actually, totally going to miss them next year. They are quirky and smart and adorable. They are a thorn in my side and a piece of my cold, cold heart. (Kidding, it's warm.) It is taking all I have to be my best for the next couple of weeks, just for them. Because they are worth it. This has been my best year, Lucky Number Seven, and I'm sad it's over.

Finish strong, right?

My favorite version of "Eye of the Tiger". 

Nine days and counting, guys.