Meanest Teacher Ever

My job is great.

I love it a lot.

But, sometimes...

Ugh.

Sometimes you really feel like the meanest teacher ever.

Like today, for example.

First of all, this week has already been nutso. We were out Monday and Tuesday, it's a full moon, and Halloween is on Saturday.

This feeling has been building for a few weeks now and today it kind of came to a head. My class was working in centers after an extensive review or rules and directions the day before. So, things were going great until it was time to clean up and switch. There were several groups that didn't clean up and as I walked around to monitor the process I noticed that many of them hadn't even done their center work. 

Now, centers is not a time for play in my classroom. I spent a great deal of time yesterday discussing expectations and I was really hoping that today would be better. 

I. 

Was. 

Wrong. 

(This is where the mean part comes in.) 

So, instead of finishing up our centers we all sat back down and went over our expectations AGAIN. This time we wrote them all on posters that I mentioned we would go over every single day until we got it right. 

You're probably thinking I'm a psychopath for getting this pissed off about centers, but we've been doing rotations since about the second week of school and there was really no reason for the types of behavior I was seeing to be happening. You might also think that I put too much pressure on my second graders. 

Well, here's the deal: 

I don't. I don't put a lot of pressure on them, but I do have high expectations for them. This is something I mention to these students every single day. Every day in my classroom I let them know that my expectations are high because I know they can do it. 

Were my second graders upset that we had to sit and talk about expectations and center rules instead of being set free to do things? Absolutely. 

Did I still have at least 80% of my class participating in writing those expectations? You know it. 

My kids know my expectations are high. They know that even though we had a four-day weekend that our rules did not change. They know that just because it's almost Halloween they still have to act like small, respectable humans. 

Am I mean because my expectations are high? Sometimes. 

Will I lower them? I won't. 

There are so many things I want my kids to know, but independent learning is high on the list. I try to start that early in the year and stress the importance of taking their learning into their own hands. You might think that sounds crazy but I truly believe that my second graders can do that. 

So, I felt mean at the end of the day. (Especially after THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED DURING MATH CENTERS, OMG.) 

My expectations will remain high and I will continue to remind them every darn day. And if that makes me mean...well, okay. ;) 

No Man is an Island

I've been playing around with the idea for this post for a few months. Probably since before the end of last school year and I just couldn't find the words to make it work. I don't know if these are the words that are going to make it work, but I'm going to try.

This weekend my sister and I went on kind of a "spiritual binge" at Rock the Universe (a two-night Christian music festival at Universal Studios) and a lot of it was incredibly eye-opening.

I titled this post "No Man is an Island" for a couple of reasons:

#1: It's a song by one of my very favorite bands Tenth Avenue North.

#2: It's a song that speaks to me about life. My life now, and what my life used to be like.

#3: It's a cool title.

Okay, so I get a lot of flack from people who think I'm kind of cranky and moody and, well, you get the idea. Sometimes I can be those things, but most of the time I try really, really hard not to be.

See, there was a time in my life when I was really cranky. Like...

Mean.

Angry.

Hateful.

I don't want to be those things anymore, so I do my best to be...nice. A lot of the time I'm just really sarcastic and people don't get it. I'm working on that too.

Anyway, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is that if I didn't have people in my life to keep me balanced I would still be that person. So many things have changed since my life was like that. I remember so vividly my very first evaluation at the end of my first year of teaching. My observer mentioned that my mentor teachers said something along the lines of me "not working well with others".

That was my first reaction and my initial feeling. Of course, we always want to blame others for our mistakes because that's easier. It's easier not to feel accountable for anything, including our own faults. It's taken me a while to get through that initial evaluation. I think about it every year when I start fresh with my team. I think about how we share ideas, triumphs, challenges...and I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I'm not alone and that I have people who have my back. 

I feel like this goes with so many other parts of my life, though. I love to be alone, but I know that it's important to have people to support you. For me, the change started when I began attending church regularly. It had been so long since I'd let anyone into my life that it was kind of scary. But, here I was reconnecting with my best friend, making new friends, and welcoming God back into my life. 

I know that getting back into church is way turned my life around. I know that committing to a life with Christ is what helped get me over whatever I was dealing with. (I think I'm mostly over it?) 

Because of that I'm able to share my life with others. Because of that I know I'm not alone. I think it's important to find your people, no matter where you are. I have a lot of people and I'm so, so grateful for all of them. 

One of the things that stuck with me the most this weekend was something Mike Donehey, the lead singer for Tenth Avenue North said. I can't remember the exact quote, but it he was talking about wanting to be used by God in any way possible and how important it was to not look down on others or judge others because we think we are better than them. I think that's so important, and it's one of the things I struggle with everyday. It's not easy to admit that, but it's true. 

I have people to keep me in check everywhere I turn. There are so many things that I need help with and I'm glad that my eyes are finally open to that. I'm thankful to have a family that keeps me on my toes, people who help me be a better teacher, lifegroups that help me be a stronger Christian, friends to be honest with me when it matters most. 

We are not islands. We can't do life alone. I'm thankful everyday for the people I get to do life with.   

Remember that next time you think I'm being mean.

That last part was a joke. 

Here's the video for this lovely song: 

Like We Were Children

I get a lot of good ideas when I'm running, which is really bad because I obviously can't write anything down and I also have a terrible memory.

I am Dory. Dory is me. 

A few days ago I was running and one of my favorite songs came on and I had this great idea for a blog post. Then REAL LIFE kept moving on and I...forgot.

But I remembered! 

I love the Christian rock band NEEDTOBREATHE and when these lyrics came on they just kind of spoke to me: 

"Let us love like we were children,

make us feel, like we’re still living-

in a world, I know, that’s burning to the ground.

Give us time to beat the system,

make us find what we’ve been missing-

In a world, I know, that’s burning to the ground." 

It's a little morbid to think of the world "burning to the ground", so I really focused on the "like we were children" part. Those are the words that got to me. See, school starts in just a few days and children are about to become my (our) job again. 

One thing I love about teaching is the way that kids view the world. At this point in their lives most of them are still so innocent and full of wonder. 

If you haven't seen Rise of the Guardians do it. 

It is so much fun to watch kids learn, grow, and succeed. That is what I am looking forward to the the most this year. Last year I struggled, but when I look back on the successes that my students did have I am genuinely moved. You have heard me say it over and over again: these kids change me. For the most part I am changed for the better. We are put to tests and faced with things that a lot of people do not have to deal with- but we do it.

I know that if I'm challenged it's because I need to change. 

If something isn't working I need to fix it.

The resilience that some students have always amazes. Students go through so much more than even know and it is a privilege to be a part of their lives (even if we might not always feel like it). 

I try to set goals for myself every year whether it be about how to lead my team or how to teach my students. This week my motto has been "less is more". I've just been muttering or yelling it down the halls at random times and people. (I'm sorry.)

Part of me isn't really sure what I want less/more of, but I'm working on it. I want more wonder and less worry, that's for sure. As a teacher I want to be able to see the world like my kids do; to wake up every day excited to learn.

I want to live, love, and learn like children do.

Simple. Fun. Wondrous.  

I'm nervous about next week, but I'm also excited. I've learned a lot this past week and I'm ready to get it out there and share it with my kids. 

I hope you're ready, too. 

Here We Go Again

It's that time of year again! The beginning of August, the cooler weather (anywhere other than Florida), and school supplies have taken over every possible store you walk into.

Every.

Single.

One.

Okay, not all of them but I'd still like to walk into Publix without being drawn to stacks upon stacks of Crayola.

Me talking to summer, that which I love.

I spent four days last week in a pretty intense classroom management/strategies training with about nine other colleagues and I found myself already invigorated for the new year. Of course, now training is over but I've received my back to school letter and I feel like I've done a complete one-eighty in the past three days. 

Saying goodbye to summer is so hard! (I say this from a single, childless person's point of view, okay?) 

Since the time is upon us and there's no turning back I took to Facebook to ask my teacher friends: 

What is your favorite thing about the beginning of a new year? 

Here are a few responses with possible explanations in no particular order except when they were posted. 

1.) New School Supplies: This is totally nerdy, but I love school supplies. Sure I cringe in July when they're taunting me at the grocery store, but I love them and so do my friends. There's just something about the smell of fresh Crayola that brings hope and promise into your life. Don't believe me? SMELL THE CRAYONS. New notebooks, new pens, new lunchbox, new backpack! It's all so magical. 

I also acquired some new notebooks...

2.) Seeing Their Faces for the First Time: There really is something so magical about being a teacher. I've said in other posts that we are privileged to be able to make an impact in the lives of students, but I've also talked about how they change us. (You can read by post about my sweet friend Sebastian here.) So many emotions go through you and the students on the first day of school. They look so cute in their new uniforms with all their new supplies! They're excited to meet new friends, to play with old ones, and hopefully to learn new things, too. It's also nice to see some of them on their best behavior for the first few days of school. (Also: FEAR.)

3.) Decorating Your Classroom: Right now this is what I'm dreading, but I know that I'm going to be on fire come Wednesday morning when I get into my classroom. I love learning new things about classroom layout and being able to apply those in real time. I'm definitely excited to take what I learned in my training and get it done. 

4.) Sense of Purpose: Do we lose that over the summer? Some of us might. I try to keep busy so I don't, but that isn't always the case. When we're working we know what's expected and we know what we want. Summer is lazy time. (I started a book blog to help me stay busy: Ash Reads Stuff.) I think keeping a routine goes with this one, also. I love being lazy and slothlike but routines are nice, too. 

5.) Open House: Open house is a great place to get to know your students and their families, and for them to get to know you. And, sadly, it might be the only time you see their family. 

6.) Putting New Methods Into Place: Summer is a great time for Professional Development, if you're into that sort of thing. I love (haha, kind of) reflecting on the year before and knowing what works well and what I need to change. Back to school is always eye opening in a lot of ways. 

Those were the main thoughts that my colleagues and friends had to share. The new school year is a blank slate just waiting for us to dirty it up with all our different successes and failures. Yes, it's sad to say goodbye to summer, but we also get to say hello to new supplies, new students, new friends, and- most importantly- old ones. 

I hope you have a great year! 

Thank You!

So, thanks to TimeHop I was able to find out that my blog is two years old! That's two years of me whining and complaining, and two years of you reading it!

But really, so much has happened in the past two years that I just wanted to stop and say thank you. Whether you are a friend, colleague, family member, or perfect stranger. Thanks for stopping by to read about my journeys into teaching, running, and weird random things. I appreciate all of you.

You're awesome.

This Job Sucks (But Not Really)

Friday was the last day of school and, as I walked down the halls during dismissal, I noticed something. The last day tears of teachers is what I saw. Now, I'll be the first to admit that in front of people I'm not overly emotional. When I'm alone? Psh. I cry like a baby. It could be about a book or a Publix commercial or I can think about "that one time something sad happened" and I'm a waterfall. But, in front of people? I don't cry.

Also, crying makes me uncomfortable so if I made fun of you on Friday please know that I'm sorry and it's just because crying makes me feel weird.

Here's the thing, though: I didn't cry because I am genuinely happy that this year is over. I've hardly posted anything this year because I really try to find the positive in all situations and share that knowledge and finding it this year was very, very difficult.

Now, don't get me wrong, okay? I had plenty of good moments with my class. I loved each and every one of them differently and I am so glad I got to spend 180 day with them, but it was hard. I said in this post last year that it was my best year, and I'm going to have to stick with that. If last year was my best, then this year was the most challenging.

The year started out difficult considering I started a new behavior plan in my class. I did away with the color chart and relied solely on a training I'd taken over the summer and my school's leadership plan. I knew it was going to be hard, but I managed it and in the long run we made it work. I don't feel like a color chart would have been helpful for some of my students (who would have been on red every single day, for real) and I think that students taken responsibility for their actions is much more effective.

It's that thinking that kept me going this year.

What's fair for one student isn't fair for all.

What works for one won't work with another.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

This year was a year of learning for me. I always joke that the thing that teaching has taught me is patience, but it's easy to point out all of the times I lost my patience with my students. Instead of losing it I focused on trying to be calm and using a soft voice instead of yelling. Honestly, the soft voice kind of freaked them out so it was a win. I also really tried to have fun with them because I think we all always forget that they're just kids, and sometimes they can't help what they do.

I definitely felt like I grew as a teacher this year. Like I said, it was the most challenging year I've had. I've never had students as difficult as I did this year, but I've also never felt closer to my team and my colleagues, either. I am thankful for the people I work with who let me vent, gave advice, or just agreed when they knew it was what I needed.

So, I guess am a little bit sad about the end of the year. I know there's always going to be students who leave a mark on your heart, good or bad. There's going to be your mini-mes and the ones that get your jokes better than most adults do. The ones that you could hug all day whose parents don't believe how good they are at school. And the ones that make you work for it: the ones that keep you on your toes, keep you up at night, and break your heart every single day.

Being a teacher is a privilege...but so is summer vacation. Enjoy.

For What It's Worth

A few years ago when I was teaching first grade I had this special kid. He came to me without knowing any English, way behind academically, and with a serious medical condition. My first thought was pretty much a "Why me?" kind of thing. I think that we as teachers feel like that when we're given something, or rather someone, challenging. So that was me for a few weeks with this guy. Seriously, why me?

Well, here's why. This kid was funny. He may not have been fluent in English and he may not have been very big, but his personality was huge. We would spend our recess time practicing words and playing around. He was so goofy and sweet that eventually the class opened up and began to see that to. Sometimes I even had to get on to him for talking! I got watch him go on to second grade and then I had the pleasure of teaching his younger sister, who was just as sweet as him. Eventually they moved and switched schools, but I never forgot either one of them. I still have drawings and notes form both of them that I can handle parting with.

Today I learned that this cute little boy passed away. My school has seen tragedy before, but I've never personally felt the weight of it. The death of a child is a hard thing to grasp. I can't imagine what it feels like as a parent, but I know that my chest is aching now. I feel like I put so much effort into this boy, but what he gave me was so much bigger.

Teaching seems like a simple profession to some. To others, though, it's the end-all be-all. There are plenty of quotes about how teachers change the world, how we make such a big impact on kids, how we're shaping the future.

Yeah, that's all true...but sometimes we forgot that those kids change us. I know that I'm changed every single year. I've said that in a post before about how they make me better, and sometimes they make me worse. But, better or worse, at the end of each year I am changed.

The kids are the ones making the impacts, we are just the facilitators. We get to watch them and, if we're lucky, we get to see them change the world.

I'm sad that Sebastian won't get to change the world, but I do know that he changed mine.

There are fifteen days left of school and, while they are going to be the most challenging all year, I hope that you make the best of them.

This is a picture he drew for me at the end of our year together. It is him with all of his family and when I pointed to the person in pencil on the right he said, "Oh, that's you". After a moment he picked up his highlighter and drew another person, then told me it was my mom. The fact that he drew me in a picture with his family always stuck with me. I am glad I knew him.