Be Cool

I yelled at my kids last week. Not all of them, just a few. (Okay, I've used my teacher voice a little more than I'd like this year, but that's another post entirely. Or maybe that's just a happy hour conversation to save for later.)

This is my confession. I yelled. I felt bad. I tried to make excuses for my behavior, and then I felt guilty. Maybe they deserved it, but that was really no excuse for my behavior. I mean, I felt really bad. Here's the thing: I had a bad reaction to an already bad situation and I lost my cool.

But I really did. 

I know it's hard to believe, but it happened. If I were using that as a teachable moment I would have said to myself: "You did not seek first to understand, then to be understood, Ashley". Then I would have yelled at myself for being an asshole when I was already feeling bad.

It's been a week and I still think about it and get a little embarrassed because I hate losing my cool. Haaaaaate it. It sounds a little ridiculous, but if I lose my cool it's like they've beaten me. And the thing is, is that they always will if you let them.

Now, I'm not saying this like everyday is a constant battle, even though sometimes it feels like it can be. What I mean is- and I mean this is the most professional way possible- you have to show them that you are the boss.

Losing your cool does not show them you are the boss. It show's them that you have a short temper and they can get to you quickly.

Don't be a spaz, okay? 

I really feel like to key to any well functioning classroom is respect. Not just respect between teacher and students, but also students and other students. Hell, I feel the key to anything working well is respect. Respect, not fear or coercion. I guess the hard part is: how do you earn that respect without being a hardass? How do you do it without being mean and loud? How, how, how?

One thing I like to do is embarrass myself as much as possible. By the end of the first week students know which books I like (Harry Potter), who my favorite superhero is (Captain America), what's my favorite animal (turtles, but I have a cat), and so on. Sometimes we sing and play silly games, or sometimes I sing just to make them laugh. It breaks up the monotony of the day and I think that, by me acting like an idiot, they get to see a different side of me.

Of course, I still have to be tough. I still don't put up with BS. There are consequences for all actions, good and bad. That's something that we are still learning about and understanding here in the fifth week of school.

It's a process, though, and I'm working through it.

Someone mentioned after my last post that they were looking for the positive piece in it. The thing is...sometimes there isn't a positive piece. Sometimes they day is just shitty and you have to move on. Sometimes the next day isn't any better. But maybe, after a few of those bad days, some kid comes up to you and smiles and hugs you...and maybe that's it. Maybe that's your positive. I've learned in my life that not all things happen when and how we want them to. The same goes with teaching. Teaching is a lifestyle, it's a life. It doesn't always go the way you want it to, but sometimes it's pretty sweet. I hope I can remember that the next time my cool threatens to be lost. ;)

Keep on truckin', y'all.

Stand Tall

This week sucked. Like, really sucked. 

The first week back to school after summer vacation is always the hardest in my (most teachers') opinion. Kids have been running willy-nilly for two months and we're expected to just jump right on in and get to teaching. 

Yeah, right.

First, we have to go through the rules. Then, the procedures for basically EVERY MOVEMENT YOU MAKE. After that, we have to go through the rules again because OMG JUST RAISE YOU HAND IF YOU WANT TO TELL ME SOMETHING. 

Oh, I'm shouting. Sorry. See, I'm not a voice-raiser in my classroom. The louder I get, they louder they get and that just doesn't work for me. You know how I know it doesn't work for me? Because that's all I did this week. My students love to talk. I don't even know what they're talking about, and most of the time I don't even think they were talking to each other. Seriously, I'm pretty sure these kids were just making noises to themselves. 

What. Even. 

Anytime I turned around I heard Mad-Eye Moody's voice in my head: "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" 

Rest in Peace, Moody! 

Basically I spent so much of this week redirecting in a positive manner that what the hell did I even teach? But it's okay. I mean, eventually it will be okay because I really have to remember a few things. 

Number one: They're kids. Kids are impulsive and loud (ugh, and messy). Just because I haven't been around them in two months doesn't mean they haven't changed. This is my eighth year teaching, so I should know better than to think that everything is going to be sunshine and roses the first week. If anything, I should read my own words and think about herding cats because that's all I did this week. 

Number two: They don't know me yet. They don't know my class rules fully or my teaching style or the jokes I have. (I have jokes, okay?) From what I've learned over the years I know that kids are eager to please. I'm looking forward to them getting to know me and for that to (hopefully) make my class more fun for them. 

(Sidenote: While playing a game called "Walk the Line" with my class I gave them a choice between Captain America and Superman and told them to choose wisely. All but one of them did. Yeah, they'll know me soon enough.)

Number three: I don't know them. I can complain until I'm blue in the face about how my kids don't know how things work in my classroom, but if I don't take the time to show an interest in their lives then what am I even here for? I know them academically but I don't know their strengths yet. I know what I've seen in the hallways from previous years and what other teachers have told me, but that doesn't matter. Just like students, all teachers are different, too. I got a "you've got your hands full" comment this week, but in the next 175 days that might change

Number four: It's a good job. As in: it's a job that does good. (Not well.) Kids, man. They're everything. 

So, I'm ready for week two. I'm all stocked up on coffee (Starbucks blonde roast, to be exact) and I'm feelings pretty good. I mean, all my laundry is clean and that's really all I can prepare for. I don't know what's going to happen in my classroom but at least I'll be caffeinated and have on clean pants. 

Godspeed, 

Your Tired Teacher Friend

Summertime Blues

I love my job. See, usually when I start a post out like that it means something important is coming. This might be that post, I'm just not sure yet. School started back officially this week. I say officially because I've technically been at work in my classroom for over a week. I tend to be a bit of an overachiever on some things whereas others seem to fall by the wayside (laundry, dirty dishes, feeding the cat...). My classroom is one of those things I like overachieve on. I'm going to be practically living there with twenty-something little ones for the next ten months so I like to make it fun and pretty. Okay, so my room is all set up and this week is a full week for teachers. Summer is officially (there's that word again) over. It's a little sad, but at the same time I'm kind of excited about the new year. And now I'm going to tell you why. I mean, if you didn't already know that.

A routine. Basically I do nothing all summer. Last summer I spent quite a few hours doing some private tutoring that was pretty much torture, so this summer I decided against all that.

Summer goes like this:
8AM - Maybe get up.
9AM - Probably drink two cups of coffee.
11AM - Should I eat breakfast?
12:30PM - Is it lunchtime?
3PM - Did I just fall asleep for three hours?!
5PM - Maybe shower.
9:00-12AM - Bedtime?

In between I'm usually reading (52 books so far this summer!) or watching television. Or cleaning things out.

During the school year I set an alarm! I shower every day! I eat on a schedule! Trust me, my pants need this. They are rebelling against my waistline.

School supplies. I absolutely love new school supplies. Sure when they come out in July I want to run through the displays and knock them all on the floor, but come August 1st I'm all for them. My wallet is not, just an FYI. No one appreciates the smell of Crayola crayons like a teacher. The way a fresh Expo marker smoothly glides over your whiteboard. Opening a new planner to put everything ever in it. Man, I love school supplies.

I did my own school shopping, too. 

Friends. I work with some pretty cool peeps and I got to see most of them sporadically this summer, but there's just something about seeing those faces every day that really gets me. I feel like it's this idea that everyone is there for the same reason you are that really draws us together. We're there for the kids, not the paycheck or the time off, and it really builds on the workplace camaraderie when you're all working toward the same goal.

Which I guess brings me to my last point. I'd originally wanted to do this at a Top Ten List, but I'm on my third day of training and my second beer (in a Captain America Tervis with a straw, thankyouverymuch), so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.

Kids. Look, I don't teach because I "love kids". I am an avid learner. I love to read and research and find out new things. I teach because I want to share that love of learning with others. "Others" being children, got it? Also, I'm not being insensitive when I say that. It's just a very strong feeling of mine that people don't go into teaching because they "love kids". That's not to say that I don't love them, because I do. I have a godson and little cousins, as well as friends who have kids that are beautiful reminder of how amazing little people are. They are the inspiration for what I do, if that makes sense. I teach because because I want to inspire. I want to change and shape the future. I want a kid to feel valued when they normally don't. To feel smart even though the struggle. To be a leader when and to gain confidence that will help them in the future. It's not the reason I went into teaching, but I do love those kids. If you've read any of my other posts you know that.

So, I guess I'm ready to go back to school. I'm ready for those fresh, smiling faces. I'm ready for the stress and the long hours and less sleep. I'm ready to work with people I love and do the thing I love. I'm already exhausted and stressed, but I'm feeling empowered and I'm ready. (It's probably the beer, right?)

And besides, I'll always have the weekends, you know?

I 

I hope you're inspired this year. And if it's awesome, share it with me. 

What's Your Story?

When I was halfway through the education program at my school I had a run-in with a professor that almost made me quit entirely. I was in block four (out of five), meaning I was almost at the finish line. At Florida Gulf Coast University during block four you are supposed to be part-time interning and taking a full course of classes. At this point I was working a full-time job, so I was only taking the classes and putting off the internship a semester. The only problem was that I was also taking a class from block two, which was basically and introductory reading course. With this course you were supposed to do a field experience and work with a student on reading strategies. I'd been in a classroom, but didn't really feel welcome or that the classroom teacher was making time for me to work with the student I needed to be with. Also, I was working a full-time job and taking a course load of classes, so it was rough. 

It just so happened that the classroom teacher and my professor were friends. The classroom teacher made it a point to tell the professor how unprofessional I was and that she didn't feel I was taking the project seriously. This resulted in a meeting with myself and the professor which ended with me in tears and seriously thinking about forgetting everything I'd worked so hard for over the last four years. Especially when the statement that haunts me (and by that I mean severely pisses me off) still was "Maybe it's time to think about if teaching is really for you". 

Now, I say that I was seriously considering quitting, but that really only happened for a hot minute. The thing was (is) that I've always known teaching was for me. I didn't need this woman, who knew absolutely nothing about my situation, to tell me it wasn't. But here's the thing: she knew absolutely nothing about me. She didn't know that I worked a full-time job. That I was incredibly socially anxious, especially when put into a classroom of a person I didn't know who didn't even seem to want me there. She didn't know that I was helping take my dad to weekly radiation appointments across the state or that I was dealing with a an on-again off-again idiot boyfriend. Or that I was struggling with horrific management at my job and people who were determined to make life an actual living hell. 

All this woman knew was that her friend thought I was unprofessional. Of course, had she known all of that she probably would have just said "Suck it up, Buttercup", and moved on. 

So here's the thing: we don't all wear our stories on our sleeves/faces/other places. It's not really in everyone's nature to spill your deepest, darkest secrets with strangers. Sometimes it isn't easy to tell these things to our closest friends or family. It is, however, so easy for us to judge someone before we know their story. 

Here's an example: A couple of years ago I had a student in my class who always wanted to be the center of attention. He called out, said inappropriate things, and was always trying to make jokes at the expense of learning. He got quite the reputation. But..the more I found out about this kid, the more I understood his behavior. It didn't make his behavior anymore acceptable, but at least I had a new way of looking at the situation. 

I think there are things in our lives that are unavoidable. I don't believe in the sentiment of "everything happens for a reason", but I believe that whatever happens to us helps us to be who were are supposed to be. What's sad is that even though we all have skeletons in our closets- we all have our unavoidable things- we still judge others based on what's hiding in theirs. Trust me, I'm not judging the judgers, because I'm guilty of it too. It's hard not to think about people's past mistakes and not to judge them based on something that can't be changed or undone. But as the one who has made the mistakes, it's even harder. Moving on is difficult, especially when your skeletons are bountiful. 

Not sorry. 

Judging someone is easy. Being that person who doesn't care is easy. Taking the time to be kind, to listen, to be a friend...that's the hard part. Sometimes people don't want to open up. Sometimes we think that we're too good to be kind to someone who was messed up so badly. You know what, though? You're never too good to be kind. Like, really and truly never too good. If you think that's true then I'm seriously judging you right now. 

Just kidding. 

Mostly. 

The Struggle is Real

Right about now is the part of summer vacation that I really start feeling sorry for myself. With just under two weeks left before I "officially" go back to work it's time to shape up. Unfortunately I mean that in the physical and emotional sense. See, you've probably seen my Facebook posts or read here about the Summer Weight Gain that goes along with lounging around and reading books all day, yeah? Most of the time I make a joke out of that, because it's a little bit funny. But, then again, it really isn't.

If I've calculated correctly, since the end of the school year (oh, let's just say April), I've gained about seven pounds. Right now I can practically hear some of you rolling your eyes. Sure, seven pounds might not seem like a lot, but sometimes it feels like it.

That pooch over your bathing suit bottom?

A little bit of muffin top over your jeans?

Your favorite shorts just a little too tight?

Sigh. 

Sometimes I make myself believe that those are the things summer is for! It's a time to do nothing and let yourself go because you don't have anyone to impress for a few weeks. I also know that this is complete bullshit because, let me be honest here, I like to impress myself.

I am a vain, vain creature and I've said before, I'm my own worst enemy. 

I struggle. 

Every. 

Single. 

Day. 

So many people want to be perfect, but the thing is that everyone's definition of perfect is different. What's perfect for me probably isn't perfect for the next person, or the person after that, or you. It probably doesn't help that a lot of magazines and movies push the whole "skinny tall chick" as the protocol for perfect, either. I mean, who in their right mind would photoshop out Scarlett Johansson's curves out of a poster? Someone who likes stick figures, that's who. But then again, ScarJo might not be someone's idea of perfect. And also, maybe being perfect is overrated? With me, I get stuck on a goal, and that goal is my perfect. I see it. I want it. I do it. Right now this goal happens to be a number. 

I WANT THAT NUMBER SO BAD. 

That number is my goal, which makes it my obsession. See, right about now is where my big, ugly OCD rears it's point counting head. I don't really mind that much though, it gives me peace (and something to do). So that's what I've been doing. I've gone back to my old Weight Watchers (BECAUSE IT WORKS) ways for the time being. The only thing is...Weight Watchers works sloooooow. I know this. I know this because I started WW in October 2011 and met my goal in February 2012. In those five months I lost 18.6 pounds. Needless to say, I was pretty proud of myself. I've managed to maintain that weight for almost two years, which is why gaining so much in such a short amount of time has taken a toll on me. I don't always stick to a WW diet. I like fried foods and junk food just as much as the next normal person, but I really tend to be a healthy eater...for the most part. 

I think that's why this is bothering me so much. At thirty-one I'm the healthiest I've probably even been. It's crazy, right? I graduated high school weighing not a whole lot and basically lived on a diet of fast food. Here I am now: running a few miles a week, taking trips to the gym, and ABSOLUTELY NOT EATING FAST FOOD EVER (does Starbucks count?) and I'm struggling. Like, what happens to your metabolism once you hit twenty-five? It's the worst! 

Word.

I know (hope?) that everyone struggles with body issues, no matter how thin or un-thin you are. I also know, thanks to Weight Watchers, that it's okay to struggle and it's okay to not be happy with yourself as long as you want to do something about it. Being you is what makes you so awesome, so if you want a more awesome you then go for it. My friend Michelle (don't be mad) always has the best advice when I'm down on myself. She says things like "Be kind to yourself" and "Focus on how you feel, not a number". I love her for that, and sometimes I wish it were that easy.

Of course, sometimes it is easy, but often times it's not. And, most of the time, it's nice to know you aren't the only one struggling. Being perfect by someone else's standards is hard. Being perfect by your own? Feels impossible to me. Right now I'm taking it one healthy day at a time. 

Just...hide the cookies, okay? 

Three pounds to go. 

Vacation: All I Ever Wanted

Teachers get a lot of crap about summer vacation. That usually sparks someone (who is probably not a teacher) to create a list of "What You Think/What Actually Happens" and try to debunk all the rumors of what teachers really do on vacation. 

The list has things like Pinterest-ing, creating projects, shopping for classroom supplies, and making lists for the new year. 

Guess how many things on that list I've done so far this summer? 

Zilch. Nada. Nothing.

Now, plenty of my friends are posting things and that's fine. Receipts from school supply stores, pictures of fun new items, Pinteresting the crap out of classroom posters and projects. (Okay, I admit to Pinteresting some stuff but mostly I'm there for the food and funny pictures.) I just choose to do my summer vacation a little differently.

For example: 

Early on this summer I took on the challenge of watching all three seasons of Veronica Mars in a week. Fine, it didn't really take me a whole week to watch it. It also didn't take me a whole week to gain my first four pounds of the summer. To me, that's what summer is all about! Lounging around and doing whatever the heck you want. If watching all the television you missed while cramming that twelve months of work into 180 days is what you want to do, do it. It's okay! (PS - Sorry if you have kids and can't do that.) 

Me.

I like challenges, so each year I challenge myself to read a certain number of books. This year it was one hundred. So, from January to December I'm supposed to read one hundre books. I reached that goal yesterday. Okay, I'm at one-oh-one now. That's thirty-nine books since school let out. Some of you probably think this is because I have no life (you're probably right), but it's also because I DO WHATEVER I WANT BECAUSE I'M ON VACATION. If you aren't a reader I hope you found something else relaxing to do with your time. This is just what I like to do. 

Never happens...

I posted early this summer about my trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Islands of Adventure. A couple weeks after that I got up at 3:30AM and made the trip back to Orlando for the opening of Diagon Alley in Universal Studios. Basically is was the dumbest and most awesome thing I've ever done. I didn't do a lot of "traveling" this summer, but the little I did was so worth it. Of course, I've been following all my friends' travels on Facebook and, while it looks awesome, I'm glad I only traveled a few hours away from home. Besides, being in Orlando is basically like being in a different world. 

BRB, going to the Ministry of Magic.

I also challenged myself to go to the gym and workout this summer. If we're friends on Facebook you've probably seen my posts about weight gain. Yeah, it's not muscle I've gained. Kudos to those of you who have had the strength and motivation to workout. I've had a hard enough time getting out of bed, so I've passed on the gym stuff. I'll just pretend to workout my brain by reading a lot of intelligent books (lolz). I did run three 5Ks this summer, which is working out...to me. 

But really, that's the beauty of summer vacation: lounging, reading, traveling, and doing what you love. I don't have to spend time shopping and creating and pinning. If I actually want to lie on the couch all day and read all day I will. If I want to go to the pool and read, I might. If I go to the beach to read I'm kind of pushing things, because I'm not too crazy about leaving the house unless I absolutely have to. 

The point of this is probably to tell you to enjoy your summer vacation. You worked hard this year and you earned it. Don't sweat the new year just yet. Trust me, August 11th will be here before you know it and then you won't have pool time or book time or lying on the couch time, you know? It'll be seating charts, grading papers, classroom management, lesson plans, meetings, paperwork (are you depressed yet?), and all that other stuff that comes with having the best job in the whole world.  

So, just chill out. 

Twenty more days. 

XO, 

Ash

I Love Running (No, Really.)

I've been doing this whole "running" thing for just over a year now. If you follow this silly little blog (or know me at all, jeez) you know how it all started. A friend posted on The Facebook about starting C25K (Couch to 5K) and the rest is basically history. We virtually trained together and ended up running our first 5K together, too. And I blogged about it, because I do that.

Anyways, after a year of running I've got a few milestones under my dry-fit spandex pants (did you think I was going to say belt?) and I'm pretty happy with them. So far I've ran six 5Ks, one 10K, and have signed up for my first half marathon in January 2015.

Yesterday, while I was running the Star Spangled 5K and feeling dehydrated and gross at 8:00AM, I just couldn't help but think how much I truly loved running. It's funny to say that, right? Like, I'm not a great runner, but I like it. (I feel the same way about writing, to be honest. I'm not great at it, but it's fun so I do it.) I'm not fast, I don't see myself winning any medals or ribbons, but I cross the finish line to all my races and that's really all the matters. I mean, if you recall from my previous post about running cross country my junior year of high school you would remember me being last in all my races, but always finishing them. (Funny story: my coach once made me run in the JV race even though I was a junior. Uncool.)

But, yeah, I love running. And, like I do, I'm going to tell you why.

Therapy. There's this saying or internet meme going around that says "Running is cheaper than therapy". Ain't that the truth, amirite? When I've had a hard day in my classroom, or a bad day in general, running is so good at making me forget. How can you think about other things when all you're doing is focusing on putting one foot in front of the other? Why be stressed when you can listen to your favorite song and check out the scenery of a long wrong?

There's always visuals here. 

Health. I really feel like I'm at my healthiest since I've started running. A couple of years ago I did Weight Watchers and have successfully kept the weight off, but I feel that running has been a big help to that. Running is my excuse to eat, let's say, whatever I want. Like, I can eat that entire bag of chips because I'm going running later. (This is what I call carb-loading, pay no attention to me.) When I run I feel less guilt about whatever it was that I might have eaten or drank before, because I sweat it all out, right? This is what I tell myself okay? Also, I have nice calves now.

Camaraderie. (Or Friendship, if you don't like big words.) When I started running I realized what a huge community there was! Not only through online blogs or social media accounts (my favorite is Scoot A Doot because I love those ladies), but even in my own school, church, and circle of friends. Of course, my circle of friends is mainly people from school and church, so...

It's super cool when you find someone else who runs and who wants to talk about it or ask your for advice. (Also: you probably shouldn't ask a noob like me for advice.) During our 10K training (I use this term loosely) my best running buddy and I had people who wanted to run with us. We were pretty nervous because we tend to be slow, hence the running together, but it turned out to be a lot of fun. And, even with our lousy training schedule, we managed to finish our first 10K. 

Yay! (Don't sue me for using your picture, okay?) 

Teamwork. Okay, I know running isn't a team sport, but sometimes it feels like it is. Most of my races have been done with a friend and I can't tell you how much it helps to have someone there to help you set the pace and keep you going. My favorite thing from yesterday's race was watching those super fast runners who finished first come back through those of us who were still running (I told you I was slow, okay?). Whether they were cheering us on, or giving a thumbs-up, or even running next to others through the finish line- they cared. It's awesome crossing the finish line after any kind of race because people are waiting for you, they're cheering you on, and they just don't care how slow you are because you finished (so there, high school cross country coach). 

Running is cool and I had a moment yesterday when I just felt like telling people about it, so there you have it. Like I said, I'm not winning any races any time soon, but at least I'll be finishing them. 

Happy running. (Or not.)