The Struggle is Real

Right about now is the part of summer vacation that I really start feeling sorry for myself. With just under two weeks left before I "officially" go back to work it's time to shape up. Unfortunately I mean that in the physical and emotional sense. See, you've probably seen my Facebook posts or read here about the Summer Weight Gain that goes along with lounging around and reading books all day, yeah? Most of the time I make a joke out of that, because it's a little bit funny. But, then again, it really isn't.

If I've calculated correctly, since the end of the school year (oh, let's just say April), I've gained about seven pounds. Right now I can practically hear some of you rolling your eyes. Sure, seven pounds might not seem like a lot, but sometimes it feels like it.

That pooch over your bathing suit bottom?

A little bit of muffin top over your jeans?

Your favorite shorts just a little too tight?

Sigh. 

Sometimes I make myself believe that those are the things summer is for! It's a time to do nothing and let yourself go because you don't have anyone to impress for a few weeks. I also know that this is complete bullshit because, let me be honest here, I like to impress myself.

I am a vain, vain creature and I've said before, I'm my own worst enemy. 

I struggle. 

Every. 

Single. 

Day. 

So many people want to be perfect, but the thing is that everyone's definition of perfect is different. What's perfect for me probably isn't perfect for the next person, or the person after that, or you. It probably doesn't help that a lot of magazines and movies push the whole "skinny tall chick" as the protocol for perfect, either. I mean, who in their right mind would photoshop out Scarlett Johansson's curves out of a poster? Someone who likes stick figures, that's who. But then again, ScarJo might not be someone's idea of perfect. And also, maybe being perfect is overrated? With me, I get stuck on a goal, and that goal is my perfect. I see it. I want it. I do it. Right now this goal happens to be a number. 

I WANT THAT NUMBER SO BAD. 

That number is my goal, which makes it my obsession. See, right about now is where my big, ugly OCD rears it's point counting head. I don't really mind that much though, it gives me peace (and something to do). So that's what I've been doing. I've gone back to my old Weight Watchers (BECAUSE IT WORKS) ways for the time being. The only thing is...Weight Watchers works sloooooow. I know this. I know this because I started WW in October 2011 and met my goal in February 2012. In those five months I lost 18.6 pounds. Needless to say, I was pretty proud of myself. I've managed to maintain that weight for almost two years, which is why gaining so much in such a short amount of time has taken a toll on me. I don't always stick to a WW diet. I like fried foods and junk food just as much as the next normal person, but I really tend to be a healthy eater...for the most part. 

I think that's why this is bothering me so much. At thirty-one I'm the healthiest I've probably even been. It's crazy, right? I graduated high school weighing not a whole lot and basically lived on a diet of fast food. Here I am now: running a few miles a week, taking trips to the gym, and ABSOLUTELY NOT EATING FAST FOOD EVER (does Starbucks count?) and I'm struggling. Like, what happens to your metabolism once you hit twenty-five? It's the worst! 

Word.

I know (hope?) that everyone struggles with body issues, no matter how thin or un-thin you are. I also know, thanks to Weight Watchers, that it's okay to struggle and it's okay to not be happy with yourself as long as you want to do something about it. Being you is what makes you so awesome, so if you want a more awesome you then go for it. My friend Michelle (don't be mad) always has the best advice when I'm down on myself. She says things like "Be kind to yourself" and "Focus on how you feel, not a number". I love her for that, and sometimes I wish it were that easy.

Of course, sometimes it is easy, but often times it's not. And, most of the time, it's nice to know you aren't the only one struggling. Being perfect by someone else's standards is hard. Being perfect by your own? Feels impossible to me. Right now I'm taking it one healthy day at a time. 

Just...hide the cookies, okay? 

Three pounds to go.