Where Your Light Shines Through

I've been working on this post for a few months now but could never seem to get the words right. "Working on it" pretty much means that I wrote a title, a sentence, and then forgot all about it. It's been a while since I've thrown any words out in the world so I figured it was time.

We've all got baggage, yeah? We've all got things that bring us down, keep us down, and hurt us.  Life is hard. That's nothing we didn't already know. There will always be something that gets in the way of our happiness, but what you do with the hurt and the pain...that's where the light is.

UPDATE: I have once again stepped away from this post and now I'm back again. We'll see if I finish this time.

Okay. I wanted to write this for a few reasons. I try my best to stay positive in tough life situations and I like to share my experiences to help others.

UPDATE #2: I tried to work on this a couple of days ago and it didn't work. I will persist!

I feel like this is the time of year when things get crazy for everyone. It's almost spring break for me and I literally feel like I'm running around trying to put out little fires all day long. Sometimes I feel like I'm on fire.*

Fire is not what I mean by "light", however. By "light" I mean showing your goodness and positivity. It's so easy to complain and bitch about stuff. So. Easy. Shining your light is the hard part. So often we get lost in our thoughts and lives that we forget as teachers, as friends, as family members, as humans that there is always an opportunity to show kindness and love to others. We don't know if what we're going through will help others and we get so focused on ourselves that we fail to see that someone else might be experiencing the same thing. 

I don't mean that you should go out and shout your problems to the world at all. Most of the time we try to hide those things anyway. I think what I mean is how you react to a situation let's others see different parts of you. What they see, and what you show, might be the thing that they need. 

I know that I am not the perfect example of this, but I also know that I'm trying. There have been so many changes (good and bad) in my life in the past year that my emotions are constantly going a million different ways. I struggle every day with so many feelings! I do try (and fail miserably sometimes) to be that light that others need. I know I'm not that good at it sometimes, but I think that putting in the effort is part of it, too. 

Being someone who others can talk to or helping without being asked is a great way to shine a little bit of light on someone's day. Sometimes if we're having a rough day in class one of my kiddos will just come up and hug me like they know it's just what I need. A lot of the times it is. Also, a lot of the times I need them to stay in their seats. ;) 

Even when it's tough to smile or laugh or help, you never know when you might be the light that someone needs. 

Keep shining. 

*"This girl is on fiiiiiire." 

Sometimes I sing this to my class when I'm mad. 

Teaching: What, like it's hard?

Teachers, do you ever get that? You might go out with friends, or talk to strangers, or come home to your loving family tired from a day of wrangling little ones, herding kittens...whatever you want to call it and something is just:

"Teaching?" 

Doesn't that make you just want to set something on fire? No? Maybe I have some unresolved anger issues. So, yes. Teaching is hard, but it's also the best. 

School has been in session for a couple of months and things are going pretty well. My class is good, though we definitely have some daily (hourly, minutely) challenges. We are learning to work together and how to be a team and I think that it's going pretty well. I was pretty excited about my superhero themed room and I feel thankful that my class responded well to it. It seems kind of silly, but I want them to be comfortable and happy so I tried to make it fun. 

I worked super hard over the summer setting everything up and it makes me happy to see my kiddos responding well to it. It also lets me know what they like and are into and how I can get to know them. 

Getting to know your kids is probably one of the most, if not the most important things about teaching. I honestly feel like by having those conversations and learning who your students are you build trust and a relationship that will last throughout the year, if not longer. I know that I am personally still connected to many of my teachers for those reasons. They took the time to build relationships with me, and I get to see it with some of my former students too. What we as teachers do now can last a lifetime...in a good or bad way. 

These first few months are critical when building trust. I'm lucky enough to work at a school who builds things like that into our daily routing. I learn about my kids just by sitting around and listening to them share things with each other at our morning meeting, whether it's their favorite superhero or their least favorite food. It can be something silly or we talk about the future and what goals we want to set for ourselves. 

So, yeah, maybe that does sound kind of easy, only it isn't always sunshine and rainbows. There are definitely going to be challenges. Sometimes you get new students who throw off your dynamic and you have to work as a team to build a new kind of dynamic. You don't always know your students' struggles at home or even in their own heads. There are so many things you have to cognizant and careful of that it is hard. 

But, like I said (and always say), it's the best work. So far this year I have seen many of my students overcome anxiety and fear just by simply raising a hand in class to offer an answer or to read aloud, which is a huge feat in my book. 

We do good work when we do it well, if that makes sense. There are so many things wrong with education these days (according to everyone who isn't a teacher) so we need to be what's right with education. Because, yeah, it is hard...but we make it look easy, right? 

I hope you're all having a great year and continue to be the best version of yourself. 

Happy teaching. 

Ready or Not...

...tomorrow is the first day of school and I AM FREAKING OUT, MAN.

Okay, so I'm not exactly freaking out like there's a troll in the dungeon but it's still a nerve-wracking time, you know? Technically I've been "back to work" since July 27th, which is kind of sad because summer was so short and that's, well, sad. (There's a big long explanation about that, but it's boring, so let's move on.)

I was actually pretty excited about going back to work; I won't lie. I had a great summer: mission trip with my church to Kentucky, two week long road trip with my family, and lots of books. But...something is always missing when I'm not at work.

Mainly: my purpose.

A lot of you are probably rolling your eyes and muttering about dramatics and stuff, but it's true! When I don't work I am useless. I eat, drink coffee, and read books. Do I change lives? No. I hardly even change out of my pajamas.

We (teachers) have spent the majority of our time back sitting in trainings, learning about new strategies, and calmly and silently freaking out about everything under the sun.

I left school at 6PM and the anxiety has slowly been building ever since. I know I'm a good teacher. I know it will be okay. I know I've already forgotten at least ten things that I need to do tomorrow.

I also know (sorry, that's a lot of "I"s) that I have one of the greatest jobs in the world.

There are tiny humans being tucked into their beds right now in preparation for tomorrow. There are parents getting ready to send their kiddos to school for us to watch over. Me and you! Isn't that amazing? Our speaker, Nick Vujicic, at the annual CSUSA Summit said people in America overuse the word "amazing". It is, however, amazing that we get the privilege to do what we do every single day.

I love my job and you will not hear me say anything different than that, even on my worst day. Tomorrow starts my TENTH year teaching and my tenth year at my school. It's a place I love to be. I love my people, my kids, my purpose.

Tomorrow, I hope you go into school full of love. I hope you go in full of hope. We are in charge of the future. We are here, on this earth and in these classrooms, to show these kids that they are better than the situations they are born into. They are better than the hand they've been dealt. They can be anything they want to be because we believe in them. Because we love them.

I hope you have an AMAZING (there's that word again) year.

XOXO

Like Herding Cats

I am so, so tired.

A couple of weeks ago those memes starting popping up...you know the ones?

I'm going to have to admit to LOLing loudly at that last one because I felt like that, oh, 37 times this week and it's only Wednesday. (It's Wednesday, right?) 

Okay, so, the end of the year is hard. Last year around this time I wrote this post about how I wasn't sad that the year was over because seriously last year was the worst year ever and I needed a break real bad, y'all. (Ironically I see all of those students from last year and I love them still. Okay, most of them.) 

Honestly, my kids checked out a week or so ago. Me? Not so much. I've still got a to-do list and on top of that list is keeping 23 7-8-year-olds entertained and, you know, alive. *Insert laughing/crying emoji here.* Sometimes I feel like I should be singing and dancing, sometimes my teacher voice is just a little too loud, and sometimes I just want to sit behind my desk and organize my paperclips. 

So, the end of the year is here and I see a lot of us doing and saying the same things. We have the same conversations and complain about what we need to get done. Our kids are having trouble and so are we. It takes a lot of patience that I feel only teachers have. Sometimes I lose that patience and it's a daily struggle, if we're being honest. There really isn't a tired like a teacher at the end of the year tired, but we make it work. 

I was texting my one of my BFFs the other day and we were talking about the end of the year. Her kid is in my class and we were joking about something he wanted to do. In my end of year post last year she was one of the ones I may have made fun of for crying (love you, buddy), but her comment to me was that this year is going to be "tear-worthy". 

I'm going to have to agree. 

Even when I'm angry or upset they still manage to make me smile. They hug me, make jokes, and tell me they love me every day. I don't have kids of my own, but I do know what the unconditional love of a child feels like and it's a beautiful thing. 

These kids are the coolest I've ever had. They get me They make me smile with the simplest things. Sometimes when I don't think they're listening they surprise me with some amazingly profound answer and my heart kind of grows. I have had so much fun nerding out about superheroes and books and movies with them. This class has helped me through the darkest time in my life and even though it's something they might not be aware of or remember, I will always remember their sweet hugs and kind words when I was broken. 

Yeah, I love these kids. I might cry a little. (I might be crying a little bit now.) 

It's still tough to get them to do stuff, though. 

Make the most of your seven days, friends. Remember that you are shaping tiny humans and you're going to send them off into the world. Help them to be kind and smart and love each other. 

Herd your cats well. 

Oh, and have a nice summer. 

Take a Day

I don't like not going to work. Like, some people enjoy a day off. They relax, read, shop...whatever. I don't. I worry.

Why?

Because I love my job. I love my kids. I feel guilty when I leave them.

Except for yesterday, that is.

I guess it comes to a point where you literally have to take a day off. You have to get your mindset right because everything feels wrong and everything is off and OH MY GOSH, WILL YOU JUST STOP TALKING is constantly happening in your head.

Yeah, that was me on Thursday. I worried for the majority of the day about whether or not I would have everything ready. Would my sub know what to do if I just wrote this, would the kids remember to do xyz...stuff like that.

Then it was time to go home and I just decided that it would be okay.

It's okay to take a day off because we teachers, me included, are humans.

Can you believe it?

I know some of you reading this won't think it really matters if I take a day off from work or not. You might not get the stress that we teachers deal with on a daily basis. Maybe you think that we just hang out and have fun all day and, sure, sometimes that's the case. Often times, it isn't though.

Teaching, in itself is not hard. It isn't difficult to plan, talk, and grade. It's not hard to pass out papers, put on band-aids, or reprimand.

What's hard is trying to do right by the kids that people have entrusted with you. It's hard to get to know them and to understand why they do certain things. Knowing how to teach them is hard. Understanding their actions is harder.

Forgiving them? Loving them? Man, that's easy.

I don't have kids of my own. I have twenty-three other people's children in my care. I see my friends and I hear them talk about their kids and their struggles and I think "Wow, that's hard". But, truth is, teachers have those struggles too. We struggle with when to discipline and when to let is slide. When to coddle and when to let them be independent.

It's a hard job, but it can be so rewarding.

So, I took a day. I could feel the stress of the past couple weeks of testing, mixed up schedules, license renewing, and just life settling on my shoulders.

It was a nice day. A greatly needed day. I've come to realize more and more this year that I need to do that. I need to take care of myself if I want to be the best teacher I can be. If I'm constantly focused on them, on the job, on anything else...then I'm not focused on me. That sounds selfish, but at the same time I know I'm not my best person when I'm stressed out over things or frustrated about, oh, everything. Thankfully, I have the best team ever who take care of my kiddos when I'm gone and tell me not to worry even though they know I will. (Love you guys. :P)

But, all that stress aside, I got to spend some time with one of my favorite people Thursday and then Friday my sister and I went to Disney World.

Honestly, who did you think I meant? GO SEE THIS MOVIE.
This also accurately describes life. 

It was nice and stress free. Well, if you don't count the stress I have over superhero movies, traffic, and the multitudes of people at Disney.

I could be overheard saying, more than once, "At least I'm not at work" and my sister would just shake her head. 

I missed my kids, but I'm glad I took a day. Hopefully I'll get back on Monday feeling refreshed and we'll be ready to take on the week together.  (Also, I have, like, 80 PTO hours, sooo...)

Also also, I woke up this morning with a lovely cold so I'm glad I had a day of fun before I started feeling like death. 

Find Your People

Most of my posts start with an idea and then end up being a few months in the making. Maybe I've developed ADD in my old age, or maybe I'm just really forgetful. Honestly, I feel like this post has been my entire life in the making. That's probably a little dramatic. Let me start over.

Life is hard. 

Last year I wrote this post about not doing life alone. It's important to have people in your life to keep you accountable, to keep you in check, and to motivate you. I feel like I'm at a good place in my life right now. Things have definitely been different and tough these past couple months and my family and I are learning how to deal with a lot of things.  I've had my people, though, and they help a lot.

So, maybe this is a thank you. Or maybe it's just a random rambling of thoughts. I don't really know. 

All I know it that it's good to have people who let you be yourself and encourage you to be the best you there is.

It's been a kind of weird road for me to get to a point where I'm comfortable being myself around people. I'm weird and I know it. I've always been this way. I love to make people laugh and I say a lot of stupid things. Most people just roll with it and that's what I love. Emotions (mostly crying) sometimes make me uncomfortable but I think my friends know that if they come to I'll listen and try to make them feel better by saying weird things.

I am Chandler. Chandler is me. 

The fact that people still want to be friends with me after I say stupid shit to them says a lot about them, really. But that's what makes it so good. There are those who let me ramble on but who, in turn, listen and give advice when I need it. Even when it's hard to ask for advice or to admit when I'm wrong about something. (Hey, it happens.)

I am un-ironically #blessed with quite possibly the best friends a person could ever ask for. They are new and old, young and old, near and far. They are my people and I am eternally grateful. 

I've got people who listen when I want to talk about anything and everything. People who send me pictures of cats, videos of cats, shirts with cats on them, pictures of their own cats...well, you get the idea. (Random pics of Chris Evans also work, just FYI.) 

I love that these people get me. That I can talk about books, comics, movies, cats, coffee, Captain America, teaching...anything. 

In turn, I hope they know they can come to me too. 

Like I said, I feel like it's important to not go through life alone. You've got to find your people. Find the ones who love you unconditionally, no matter how weird or crazy you are. Find them, and hold on to them. (But, like, in a safe way. Don't hold them hostage. That's bad.) 

Kids Are Weird

First official day of spring break, wooo! I celebrated by sleeping until 8AM, rewatching a few episodes of Daredevil season one, reading a book, and taking a trip to the mall. I can assume that this is probably how the rest of spring break is going to be and I'm okay with that.

In the meantime, however, I'm sure I'll miss my kiddos. After all, they keep life very interesting. 

A week or so ago I was in the hallway with a fellow teacher taking our daily scheduled bathroom break when a teacher of another grade walked by. As she did, one of my students left the room to go to the bathroom but, before he left, he walked up close to me and whispered: 

"I wish you had shoelaces so I could tie them." 

I had to explain to the other teacher that this was pretty normal behavior. Stuff like this happens all the time. I mean, I was wearing a cute pair of Sperry slip-ons that didn't have shoelaces. 

Yeah, my kids are weird. 

That got me thinking about the other things my kids say and do, so I reached out to my teacher friends and asked them to share some things that they've seen or heard. We always joke that we're going to write a book, so I figured a blog post would do. I even told some of my students they other day that I was going to write a book about them and that they would be famous. They were excited (weirdos). 

I got quite a few responses, so I'm just going to list them below. If you didn't get a chance to respond, please leave something in the comments! 

"I miss you when I'm sleeping." 

"I love PE so much it makes me feel weird." 

"You have something in your ear." *kid sticks her finger in my ear*

"How did they have babies long ago?" 

"I think I'm getting my period." -said by a six-year-old

"If you fall into a black hole, can you get out?" 

While learning about space: "Have you ever been to space?" 

"Miss, where do cold sores come from?" -out of the blue while walking down the hall

Teacher: "Who is on the nickel?" 

Kid: "Pitbull." 

"I'm going to draw you a picture of Captain America. Do you want him with or without his uniform?" *my mind is in the gutter*

Teacher: "Today is National Read Aloud Day." 

Kid: "Yesterday was National Wine Day." 

"Why don't you have a boyfriend? You should put your name on one of those websites. You can tell them how much you like cats." 

And finally...

"Broken pencils can lead to the end of humanity. Too many broken pencils would make us cut down all the trees to make more pencils. If we cut down all the trees, we would have no more oxygen, leading to the end of humanity." 

Thanks to my friends who helped out with your stories! I know there are more and I can't wait to hear them all. Like I said, they keep me on my toes and make me smile (when I'm not crying internally). 

Happy spring break, friends!