end of the road

 I can't believe that it's been two years since I've sat down and typed up anything about teaching. Then again...yes I can. 

It has been hard. Ignore any other post I ever made about teaching being difficult. This is the one. 

Eh, maybe I'm being dramatic. I chalk last year's difficulty up to being pregnant for most of the year and returning only to pack up my classroom. Not that I didn't have hard behaviors because I did. I had some behaviors that I had never dealt with before and had no idea how to handle. We made it through, however. 

This year has been...interesting? 

Interesting is really the only, um, nice way to put it. 

Have I wanted to call in sick like every day? Yes. Have I tried to talk my husband into letting me stay at home? Also, yes. Did I run out of PTO because my kid got pneumonia and HFMD (THREE TIMES). Yes, correct. 

These kids are wildin'. I don't know how else to say it. I don't know what to say. Anything I say y'all will think I'm making it up. Unless you work with me then you know I'm not making it up and your class is probably just as bad as mine, if not worse. 

I feel like after eighteen years in education I would not be surprised by behaviors anymore. That maybe students would be more respectful, understanding of consequences, and follow directions the first time they are asked to do something. 

None of those things happened this year. Instead, I was frustrated, annoyed, and angry most of the time. Now, we had some good moments and good times. I had some wonderful students that I absolutely adored. 

I also tried very hard to start each day with a clean slate and the understanding that they are just children. Their brains and bodies are still growing, they are still learning. 

Apparently, so am I. 

It's been eighteen years and I'm still grateful that I get to learn something new about teaching every damn year. 

Next year, I'll be learning a lot of new things because after eighteen years at my school I will be leaving it. I am sad, excited, and so very nervous. I have been processing this decision since my son was born. I love my school, but I love my family more and I absolutely hate spending 2-3 hours in the car every day. 

I'm excited about the possibilities of learning new things, meeting new teachers and students. Hopefully I have some good ideas to share, too. 

Until then, I'm ready for summer with my sweet (and somewhat feral) boy. 

Also, I'm retheming so if you'd like to help out, I have a new Amazon list. ;) 

Everything is (not) Fine

I just took my melatonin, so I'm not sure how this is going to go. Anywho. *cracks knuckles* Let's get started. 

My God, teaching is hard. I mean...have you checked on your teacher friends lately? We are NOT OKAY.

But Ashley, you get summers and weekends and holidays off! Your job is easy! 

First of all, I'm not going to say what I think when people say those things because my mom might read this and she will be disappointed. Second of all, screw you.

It's been so long since I've written anything that I'm not really sure where to start. This year has been a doozy with big changes personally and professionally. I got engaged to my main squeeze in June and began eagerly planning our wedding. Then, my dad passed away in August. The day before the first day of school. My year started immediately on a rollercoaster of emotions. Happiness and grief can both be overwhelming in their own ways. 

Oh. I almost forgot the Cat 5 hurricane we experienced just two months into the school year where we missed about three weeks of instructional time. That was also great. 

But. The show must go on, so here we are, eight months into the school year. Less than twenty school days to go of my sixteenth year teaching. You'd think it would get easier after so many years, but it doesn't. As the kids grow and change, teachers stay the same. We expect the same things from students that we've always expected: respect, listening skills, manners. It's not like that anymore, though. 

We've been in so many conversations about this lately that we sound like broken records. Social media and technology have such a huge impact on students that it's hard for us lowly teachers to compete. We try! We try so hard to plan the engaging lessons, add in the tech, play games, put on our one-man show. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. 

It. Is. Exhausting. 

I love my job. I will say it anytime I write about teaching. (Which hasn't been very often but I've been busy this year.). I love knowing that I get to make a difference (hopefully) in a kid's life. There is no better feeling than a child taking something you taught them to heart, whether it be academic or personal. We've gotten to have open and real conversations about how to treat each other and what it means to be kind. My class and I have also learned new things together because no matter how distracted they can get, they still love to freaking learn. 

Still...it has not been easy. Do the good days outweigh the bad? I don't know. Maybe it's the burnout. Maybe we're all just ready for summer. 

Teachers a making a mass exodus and it is so disheartening. With school shootings, shitty pay, no respect from the public...can you blame them? 

I don't blame anyone for leaving this profession. It has definitely crossed my mind. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet, though. I hope you (if you're reading this) stick around, too. 

You never know who might need you. 

This Just In: Teaching is Still Hard

This is not a fun, happy post. This will most likely not make you feel good about your job. Unless your job isn't teaching, then you probably feel fine already so what the hell are you even doing here? 

I have not posted to this blog since summer of 2021 and even then it was just a fun "these are cool things I like in my classroom". Actually, I haven't posted to my book review blog either, but that's mostly because I am very, very tired and don't get a lot of reading and writing done. 

Back to this post. 

This job is hard. I've talked about this before. I have posts titled this. But I have not felt so defeated as I've had in the past two years. I have not felt like this job has been too hard until now. (I'm actually tearing up as I write this but it could be the second beer or PMS.) 

I remember my first post about teaching was in response to my feelings about a comment on a friend's Facebook post. It was about teaching the day after Halloween and how hard it is. 

People don't understand that teaching is not all fun and games and days off. I don't get "paid for the summer", I stretch my salary out for the months I don't work. I don't work 7:30-3:30. I bring work home and tutor in the morning and afternoon to make extra money because teacher pay is absolute shit.

I answer parent emails after hours because I care about my kids but also I have anxiety about leaving things left unsaid, unread, undone. That anxiety has only increased since the beginning of the pandemic and I'm sure it isn't going anywhere anytime soon. 

I love my job. I really, truly do. There are so many amazing moments in teaching. I have a fun group of kids who aren't always perfect but we make it work. Sometimes we're all cranky one day and the next day we're fine and dandy.

It is 100% never, ever easy. A lot of people think that my class of high achievers is a walk in the park. It's not. Like I said, we have our days. 

Emotions run high in most classrooms. We can all tell as we walk down the hall and I know it's not just my school. It's got to be everywhere, right? After all, we're all in this together.

When you think about it, students in my 2nd grade have never had a "normal" year of school. In kindergarten they were quarantine, or "crisis" learning, in first grade they were hybrid. Some of my students this year never stepped foot in school last year. This year is our "normal" year. 

But...do we wear masks? Or do we not? Are we playing catch-up or are we okay? Social emotional learning? Growth? Behavior? Friendships? How can I be kind to others and myself? 

Honestly, these things apply to adults as well. I have plenty of friends on social media and in real life who are just now returning to their offices or whose companies have decided to let them work from home. Teachers, like healthcare workers, did not get that option. We've been here since day one. We've adjusted schedules, classrooms, lunches, recess, seating charts, and the list goes on and on... to try and keep everyone safe and healthy. 

We've put cleaning supplies on our wish lists. Our hands are dry from hand sanitizer and Lysol wipes. We worry about getting sick and spreading it. Do we take off of work or do we suck it up? Are there subs? (The answer is always no.) We create seating charts for the classroom and lunch. 

Teachers are desperately trying to do the best thing for kids. Florida has introduced new standards this year, we've gotten a new curriculum. We are working overtime to get shit done. It's not easy. We're tired. 

Does anyone who doesn't work in a school truly know what it's like? I'm getting a little teary again just thinking about it. I have always very strongly felt that teaching is my calling, and I still believe that. I love to learn. I love the spark that kids get when they understand something. I love working with a team of people who believe the same thing I do. I love my school. 

Thousands of teachers have left this profession for many reasons and it is only going to get harder. As social media and technology take over it is so easy for things to be said and spread and argued over. It makes it easy to share opinions without thinking who we are hurting or what the outcome is going to be.

Honestly, this is one, if not the biggest problem of teaching. Everyone wants instant gratification and it's just not feasible. We're teachers, not wizards. Sorry.

One of my favorite sayings is "be kind, you never know what someone else is going through". There are so many things we keep bottled up, especially teachers. We do a good job, for the most part, of putting on a smile for our kids. When I'm tired and stressed or flubbing words during a lesson I play it off as a joke, let my kids laugh, and put a smile back on. Not every profession has to do that. Not every job has to pretend that everything is fine all day so kids don't think you're upset with them or just upset in general. 

Teaching has never been easy but these past couple of years have been brutal. In the words of Adele, go easy on us. It's not over yet and we're trying to keep it together. 

A Few of My Favorite Things

 As they new school year looms in the shadows and people start thinking about what they need to get for their classrooms, I thought I'd put together a list of some of my favorite things I use. (From Amazon for easy access.) 

These fun, different colored bracelets are great for breaking kids into groups. With my second graders it is SO HARD to "count them off" and have them go into groups together. Half the time they aren't paying attention to their number or are trying too hard to get into a group with their BFF. This way I can pick the groups the way I want and there's no confusion about where they need to go. You can grab some here for $8, or search for your own to match your classroom theme. 

These are the best magnets known to man. They are, as they say, SUPER STRONG. They've also got a hook so they're great to hold anchor charts and whatever else you need. They are pretty pricey at $12.99 for four, but totally worth it. Grab some here. 

I grabbed this idea from a friend's list last year but it was a game changer! Since our school is now 1:1 with iPads we get to do so much more technology and use a lot of interactive lessons. These were really helpful when students wanted to color or write instead of using their fingers text. You get 22 for $5.99 so buy a few because kids are vicious. 

I like to have black markers on hand for student use. I tend to be stingy with my colored Expo markers and like to keep arguments away by making sure everyone is using the same color. To me, $25 is a good deal for a name brand. Now, if they could only remember to put the cap back on it...

If you have your own laminator then you've got to stock up on these. (Also if your team needs to borrow them...) 100 in a pack for less than $15!

Keeping snacks is something I've been doing for a while, to make sure no one goes hungry at snack time. These are definitely a fan favorite! 

Again, GAME CHANGER! These mini Play-Doh were so much fun for my kids last year. In years past I've had STEM bins for my class to use when they finished morning work. In the year of COVID I had to break down my bins to individual bins and threw in some Play-Doh for fun. The kids loved it and I always did a "Fun Friday" where they could build something and take a picture, then upload it to Seesaw. 

These are a new add for this year and I'm not sure what I'm going to use them yet! I figure everyone needs a little stress relief or I can use them as some sort of reward. 

Kids love scented stickers. Do yourself a favor and get ya some. (My picture won't upload and I'm tired of trying.) 

Hope this gave you a little bit of inspiration and, if you're inspired, check out my list for the new year for all kinds of fun things! (Buy me stuff.) 

In the Trenches

I saved this as a draft in November. There's really no telling what I was planning to write about teaching during a pandemic in November, a mere three or so months into the school year. Here we are edging toward the end of April, over a year since we first learned we weren't going to finish the school year in the building. I remember being heartbroken, no matter how tough of a year I was having. Being in lockdown and working from home was very hard for me. I didn't learn a new skill or really anything about myself. I got depressed a lot and the time alone just let my thoughts run rampant. Eventually things got a little better. Seeing friends and family helped, and so did going to back work...kind of. 

I posted in August, as I usually do, talking about how it was going to be different. How we knew it was going to be different. 

Damn, is it different. 

August found me with 22 eager little faces (that I mostly can't see because of masks). Half of my class was online, pretty evenly split with my traditional learners. The first few weeks were rough with trying to figure out Zoom with the online students, as well as teaching the traditional ones classroom rules and procedures. On top of that I was planning two subjects for my team and finding or creating new online resources to use for kids at home. I would spend literal HOURS planning on Sundays, not leaving my little office except for snacks (lots of them) and to reheat my coffee for the third time. 

This is not easy. 

I often get the question "Why are you tired?" and I think that has to do with the stigma that teaching is just not that hard. Sometimes teaching is so much fun. We get to have conversations, laugh, have inside jokes. We tell stories, do experiments, play games. Teaching is fun, yes. But that doesn't mean it's easy. 

So, I used to play this game when I walked down the hall and, I'll apologize now if this offends anyone. When I would be on break I'd walk through the halls and see how many people were sitting down. Who was sitting at their desk or table while their kids did...whatever. Is this a bit judgmental? Maybe. I never saw myself as a "sitter". I was always running around my class, working on things helping kids, putting out little figurative fires here and there. I was crushing my 10K step goal every day, you know? 

This year? Forget about it. I spend most of my time in front of my computer. Sharing my screen, sending assignments, helping remote students, asking traditional students to "please be quiet so I can hear" for the millionth time that hour. I am on camera for the majority of the day, and so are my students. We are ON for the majority of the day. There are very few moments when we aren't on Zoom and it is exhausting. Do I wish all of my students were in class? Absolutely, one hundred percent. But I also understand the risks and the fear that they are experiencing. 

We do our best to stay masked and sanitize, but it's not easy or perfect. Kids get sick no matter what because they are dirty little creatures, okay? 

This shit is hard. If I come home and lay in bed for an hour, then spend two hours playing Animal Crossing and eat Publix's buffalo chicken dip for dinner for the third night in a row then that's just what I'm doing to stay sane. 

We are out here doing our best to give kids a normal learning experience while still trying to live our lives. To clean our houses, stay healthy and sane, maintain healthy relationships, see our family. 

This. Is. Hard. 

We say things like "kids are resilient" and "they'll be fine" but we don't know how this will change them in the long run. Sure, they have some sort of normalcy being in the classroom with their friends, but do you know how many times I've heard "I just want a real hug" this year? How many times one of my online kids say that they want to see their friends? It's not easy and I "take work home" more than ever this year. I haven't taken any days off except to facilitate meetings, so I've got an excess amount of PTO hours right now. If you think making sub plans is hard when you're teaching normal classes, don't even try to figure it out for virtual kids, too. 

Here we are - the moral, right? Am I freaking exhausted from teaching little humans that talk to much and from trying to act like a real human and live my life? Hell yes. Do I see myself doing anything else? Ugh, no. 

Just be gentle with us and yourself and your kids. And go get vaccinated or something. 

Everything is Fine

I sometimes like to post a touchy-feely-back-to-school post just to kind of talk about the feel of a brand new year and how excited I am for new faces and supplies. This might be that kind of post...but it might not be. 

I'm exhausted in a more than just a "first week of school" way. Teachers at my school started back about two weeks ago for training, prepping, and planning. We've been social distancing, wearing masks, sanitizing and cleaning compulsively. Okay, maybe not all of us have been compulsive, but I have. 

The time between spring break and the end of the year was hectic. It was "crisis teaching" and trying our best to check in with students and families. We made it work, for what it's worth, but it was a band-aid. It was hard not being with my class, not being able to do our end of the year projects, and celebrate them with awards face-to-face. Once my classroom was all packed up I did manage a drive-by gift drop off to most of my students. 

We knew this year was going to be different. My school is offering three different models this year and teachers are planning and teaching for all three. There wasn't a lot of time to plan and not all the resources we need are ready...but we made it work? My class, like everyone else's, is set up for social distancing: students' belongings can't touch, contact less morning greetings, students on Zoom...the list goes 

Honestly, I am always encouraged and inspired by some of my coworkers. This week has not been easy. There have been obstacles, but we are making it work...I think? 

For the most part, my class has been great. I know that it's not going to be perfect right away. It's been six months since any of us were in any type of structured setting. Not only that, this "structured setting" that we're now in is completely different than anything we've known. I say "we" because I have also not been doing anything structured for a long time. 

Teaching online while also trying to keep the kids in the class occupied has been a bit of a challenge. They all want to share their thoughts and stories. They want to "help" and "give suggestions" as well...you can imagine how that goes. 

We're also wearing masks all day, with the exception of lunch and recess. I'm lucky that my traditional class is small enough that we can stretch out and take masks breaks. I'm also lucky that the kids are bright enough to remember that "six squares" means six feet apart and they are responsible enough to keep their masks on until everyone is ready 

Everything is different and it's been hard. The planning isn't fun, sometimes it's hard to hear them for answers, it makes me sad that we can't do things like we used to.  

But! We're going to make it work. I try my best to stay positive, make jokes, and make things fun. If I get frustrated, I definitely try not to let them see. I don't know what's going to happen, truly. I hope we can all stay safe and healthy. I hope we get to stay in school and see more students return. I hope that everything goes back to normal. 

I also hope that my kids are happy, feel welcome and loved, and maybe even learn a little bit. I'm praying that my colleagues find peace, that they are less stressed, and that they are able to be the best they can for their students. 

These past few weeks have been hard for a lot of reasons. Some of those reasons are other people and their opinion of teachers. Their "Get back in the classroom or don't get paid" attitudes and the "You knew what you signed up for" comments on articles and posts are hurtful and ignorant. This really isn't what teachers signed up for. We're scared for ourselves, friends, families, and students. We don't really feel ready in any aspect, but...we're showing up. We're showing up because we have bills to pay and mouths to feed and a passion to teach.   

I'm going to keep showing up, and I hope you do too. 

(Unless we get the corona. Then we should stay home.)

The Best Laid Plans

Guys. This is insane. This is unprecedented. This is so weird.

It's spring break, so I'm currently lounging about in workout pants and a t-shirt in the guise that I'm halfway ready to workout later today. Why later today? Because I've lost all sense of a schedule and I have no idea what's going on...already.

That's usually okay for vacation. Except for the fact that vacation has been extended and I'm trying to keep a schedule that will HOPEFULLY keep me sane in the upcoming weeks. Aaaaand that obviously hasn't happened yet.

Today I got up and had my coffee. I finished a book. I got dressed and drove to school for my allotted fifteen minutes to grab anything I think might be of importance to my new job as a remote teacher.

Which was basically a bunch of junk and maybe some read aloud books.

Oh, and my computer.

This. Is. Weird.

For some of us this situation might be giving us Hurricane Irma flashbacks. Only this time we have electricity and Netflix. 

This is not going to be easy. My team and I did a chat earlier today to talk about what needs to be done and how we can all stay on the same page. We are all worried about if our kids are going to actually do the work we assign. How much work is too much? Is it too little? How can we help parents? How can we help each other?

Our school administration has done a great job keeping us all informed and guiding us with schedules and expectations. On paper it looks amazing, but once we get out there and do it? I worry about how effective I am IN the classroom and I know most of my peers do, too. I can only imagine how some of them are feeling right now.

Like I said: it won't be easy. But! There are teachers across the entire world doing this! There are so many resources online for parents and teachers to use and to guide us. I'm hoping that we, as teachers, will be able to bring some joy and normalcy to our kids while we aren't able to physically be with them. Our second graders are going to have to miss two huge events for them and it truly breaks my heart to think that they are going to miss out on such fun things that they've worked so hard for.

One of the best part of my days is the morning hellos and afternoon goodbyes I get from my kiddos. They can be a loud, opinionated, bright bunch...but they're mine and I'm going to miss them like crazy.

Hopefully they won't mind seeing my mug on a screen instead of in real life.

I know that while I'm not with them, I'll be thinking about them. I'll be praying for them. (And their new teacher-parents!) And I'll be waiting until I get to see them again.

Hopefully you all have someone to reach out to and lean on during this time. Find your people. Love them hard. Ask them questions. Support them.

I'm here, too.

We got this.