In the Trenches

I saved this as a draft in November. There's really no telling what I was planning to write about teaching during a pandemic in November, a mere three or so months into the school year. Here we are edging toward the end of April, over a year since we first learned we weren't going to finish the school year in the building. I remember being heartbroken, no matter how tough of a year I was having. Being in lockdown and working from home was very hard for me. I didn't learn a new skill or really anything about myself. I got depressed a lot and the time alone just let my thoughts run rampant. Eventually things got a little better. Seeing friends and family helped, and so did going to back work...kind of. 

I posted in August, as I usually do, talking about how it was going to be different. How we knew it was going to be different. 

Damn, is it different. 

August found me with 22 eager little faces (that I mostly can't see because of masks). Half of my class was online, pretty evenly split with my traditional learners. The first few weeks were rough with trying to figure out Zoom with the online students, as well as teaching the traditional ones classroom rules and procedures. On top of that I was planning two subjects for my team and finding or creating new online resources to use for kids at home. I would spend literal HOURS planning on Sundays, not leaving my little office except for snacks (lots of them) and to reheat my coffee for the third time. 

This is not easy. 

I often get the question "Why are you tired?" and I think that has to do with the stigma that teaching is just not that hard. Sometimes teaching is so much fun. We get to have conversations, laugh, have inside jokes. We tell stories, do experiments, play games. Teaching is fun, yes. But that doesn't mean it's easy. 

So, I used to play this game when I walked down the hall and, I'll apologize now if this offends anyone. When I would be on break I'd walk through the halls and see how many people were sitting down. Who was sitting at their desk or table while their kids did...whatever. Is this a bit judgmental? Maybe. I never saw myself as a "sitter". I was always running around my class, working on things helping kids, putting out little figurative fires here and there. I was crushing my 10K step goal every day, you know? 

This year? Forget about it. I spend most of my time in front of my computer. Sharing my screen, sending assignments, helping remote students, asking traditional students to "please be quiet so I can hear" for the millionth time that hour. I am on camera for the majority of the day, and so are my students. We are ON for the majority of the day. There are very few moments when we aren't on Zoom and it is exhausting. Do I wish all of my students were in class? Absolutely, one hundred percent. But I also understand the risks and the fear that they are experiencing. 

We do our best to stay masked and sanitize, but it's not easy or perfect. Kids get sick no matter what because they are dirty little creatures, okay? 

This shit is hard. If I come home and lay in bed for an hour, then spend two hours playing Animal Crossing and eat Publix's buffalo chicken dip for dinner for the third night in a row then that's just what I'm doing to stay sane. 

We are out here doing our best to give kids a normal learning experience while still trying to live our lives. To clean our houses, stay healthy and sane, maintain healthy relationships, see our family. 

This. Is. Hard. 

We say things like "kids are resilient" and "they'll be fine" but we don't know how this will change them in the long run. Sure, they have some sort of normalcy being in the classroom with their friends, but do you know how many times I've heard "I just want a real hug" this year? How many times one of my online kids say that they want to see their friends? It's not easy and I "take work home" more than ever this year. I haven't taken any days off except to facilitate meetings, so I've got an excess amount of PTO hours right now. If you think making sub plans is hard when you're teaching normal classes, don't even try to figure it out for virtual kids, too. 

Here we are - the moral, right? Am I freaking exhausted from teaching little humans that talk to much and from trying to act like a real human and live my life? Hell yes. Do I see myself doing anything else? Ugh, no. 

Just be gentle with us and yourself and your kids. And go get vaccinated or something.